Apr 6 - James 1:19

You must understand this, my beloved:

let everyone be quick to listen,

slow to speak, slow to anger

James 1:19

^NRSV

 

Mary Louise and I had a silly miscommunication today.

 

“Why do I have a microphone in my car?” she said.

 

We both knew the answer, and she stated it somewhat factually, “Robbie was just home!” I knew what she meant: Since our technology-loving son had just been home for a few days from college, a few pieces of sound-room equipment must have migrated to his mother’s car. (Yes, she expected me to fill-in a few details — paying attention to context is part of communication — nevertheless, she answered her own question rather factually.)

 

I, on the other hand, answered with a joke. “No. I’m just bugging you!”

 

I meant, “That microphone is a listening device. It’s a ‘bug’ like spies use. And I’m ‘bugging’ you like a spy might ‘bug’ an enemy agent.”

 

She, however, looked at me quizzically. She heard the synonym. “Bugging you” can also mean “bothering you,” and she thought I meant, “I’m just bothering you -- bugging you -- by cluttering up your car with more junk.”

 

A simple misunderstanding. We’d used the same word to mean two different things.

 

But then I really confused her. I said, “If I bugged you (planted a listening voice in your car), I’d hear silence (because you ride in silence and are reflective). But if you bugged me, you’d hear the radio (which is what I listen to when I drive).”

 

That ‘s what I said.

 

And that’s what I meant.

 

But based on our alternative understanding of that word “bug,” what she thought I said was, “Whenever I bug you, Mary Louise, I hear silence. (Meaning: when I bother you, you give me the silent treatment.) And when you bug and bother me, I passive aggressively turn on the radio to tune you out!”

 

Ouch!

 

Fortunately, she knew I was trying to be funny (rather than start a fight). Therefore, my comments were perceived as nonsensical rather than offensive. But do you see the problem?

 

A large percentage of miscommunications stem from one person “saying” one thing and the other “hearing” something else.

 

We confuse terminology. We respond to different parts of the train of thought. We incorrectly interpret body language or tone of voice. We assume the other person knows more about the subject than they do.

 

Mary Louise could have reacted negatively. This misunderstanding could have been perceived as offensive. It could have escalated into a fight. Instead, she thankfully asked for clarification!

 

And that’s one wonderful key to revitalizing communication. We must assume the best of the other person ... and then, if you aren’t hearing what you think ought to be good, better, or best, then ask gently for clarification. (I know. That’s sometimes humbling to do, but it beats a lot of unnecessary fights!)

 

QUESTION: Do you tend to humble yourself and ask for clarification? Or do you tend to double down and dig in deeper and let miscommunication and conflicts escalate?

 

In Christ’s Love,

a guy who’s bugging you

(you can figure out in which way!)