Sept 27 - Psalm 23:4a

Yea, though I walk through

the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil

Psalm 23:4a

KJV

It has been said that …

We each walk through

the Valley of Death but once …

but we walk through

the Valley of the Shadow of Death

again and again.

Death casts a long shadow, and grief threatens to swallow us. Even when we have a Christian surety of hope and heaven, grief can still cut a hole deep into our soul.

Some say that Christians shouldn’t grieve. I say that when we grieve much, it simply means that we loved much. Even our Lord Jesus wept at the tomb of his friend Lazarus (and he would raise him in just a matter of minutes).

The hole that a death leaves behind is precisely the “size” of the person who died. An acquaintance leaves a pit in our stomach. A friend leaves a hole in our heart. The death of a mother leaves a bigger hole deep in our soul. A spouse leaves a gaping gorge. And the death of child leaves a canyon that is anything but grand. Grief hurts.

“Grief-work” is learning to walk a path around that hole.

•      At first, every time you approach the hole, you immediately fall in. The grief is raw and numbing, and that pit seems to have a gravity of its own.
•      After a while, you don’t fall in quite so often.
•      Soon, you begin to wear a path into the loose dirt.
•      After about a year – more or less and depending on the severity of the loss – you’ll have learned to walk a new path in life around that hole.
•      Eventually, you’ll cry on the first day you forget to remember the loved one. That’s not a betrayal, because you’ll never really forget.
•      From time to time – and when you expect it the least – you’ll still fall in.
•      Finally, as your journey moves inevitably forward, you’ll look back and be very thankful for that hole. You’ll never be thankful for the loss, but you’ll be thankful for the person that this hole represents. 

By the time I was old enough to pay much attention, my grandfather had been dead for about thirty years. He died as young man, when my own father was about thirteen. My father and grandmother had been at that final stage of grief for decades. They were thankful for that hole because it represented a treasured part of life, and they talked warmly about a man I never knew.

Nevertheless, I remember sitting at grandma’s kitchen table one day, and I can remember her falling suddenly back into that hole. With my father, she was talking about the good old days, and suddenly she grew very angry. “I can’t believe Mr. So-and-So made your father go out and check on that pump that day. It was 10 degrees outside. Didn’t he know Almond was sick? He never recovered after that. The pneumonia killed him.”

Even thirty years later, we can still walk through the Valley of Shadow of Death and fall headlong into a deep hole. Grief hurts.

As Christians, we grieve … but we do “not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again” we have the assurance that “death has been swallowed up in victory.” (1 Thes 4:13,14; 1 Cor 15:54 NRSV).

Through faith, God “has given us a new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead” and this “hope does not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us” (1 Pet 1:3; Rom 5:5 NRSV).

This kind of faith and hope will carry you through the shadows – which are real and overwhelming.

Even better, faith and hope will carry us through that final valley – that once ever trip through the Valley of Death – and there you will find that God has “open[ed] wide the gates of heaven for you to enter into the eternal Kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ” (2 Pet 1:11).

In Christ’s Love,

a pastor who’s done a hundred funerals

and sees God more clearly each time

Dec 7 - Luke 7:13-15

Recently a parent wrote, asking about how to speak to their children about grandma's illness and impending death. Over the next several days, I'm letting you "listen in" to my pastoral advice. So far we have covered the following pieces of advice: 1. Be Honest and Upfront,  2. Focus Forward,  3. Grieve Honestly, 4. Grieve with Bold Determination, 5. Understand Life, 6. Quit Denying, 7. Praying Works, 8. Time Heals Wounds, 9. Be Thankful

When the Lord saw [the grieving mother],

his heart overflowed with compassion.

"Do not weep!" he said.

Then he walked over to the coffin and touched it, and ...

the dead boy sat up and began to talk to those around him!

And Jesus gave him back to his mother.

Luke 7:13-15

10

Conclusion

If you haven't heard it before, here's my favorite image for grief: 

Grief is a hole in the soul.

Imagine the shock of a loss. What happens to our heart as we begin to grieve?

• For the first month, every time we approach the hole of grief, we're going to fall in.
  
• Around this hole is freshly dug dirt. It is loose. It is unstable -- and so are we. Therefore, as we learn to walk a path around this hole, we're going to slip on the loose dirt and keep falling in.   
  
• Gradually, however, we going to trample down that loose dirt and make a path around that hole. We'll still fall in, but not as frequently.
  
• One day, we'll look up at the end of the day, and realize we haven't fallen in. And the first time we do it, we'll feel so guilty about not remember the reason for the hole -- our loved one who died -- that we'll promptly throw ourselves in.
  
• Generally it will take about a year (or two) to learn to walk a path around the big holes that represents our parent, our child, or our spouse (and less for smaller holes that represent acquaintances and friends).
  
• Even after we've learned to walk a path around these holes, we'll still occasionally fall in. Let me give you an example: By the time I was a teenager, one of my grandfathers had been dead for thirty years. I remember, however, sitting at supper with my grandmother, she was reminiscing about the good old days, when suddenly she fell again into the hole of my grandfather's death. It was thirty years later and the hole of that grief still had gravity.
  
• Generally, however -- and my grandmother was like this 99% of time -- we get to the point where we look back at the hole in our hearts and give thanks. My grandmother still missed a grandfather I never knew, but 99% of time she was thankful for his life, for his love, for his and her sons together!
  
• Time brought perspective.
  
• Time brought healing. 
• Time brought thanksgiving.

My grandmother was never thankful that my grandfather died, of course, but she was very thankful that he had lived! She was also very thankful that we was living again. She was indeed very thankful that she could be with him forever.

Grief hurts. Hope heals.

Thanks for journeying with me -- and a family that's losing a grandmother -- for these last several days.

In Christ's Love,

a guy who gives thanks for the hole

that was the cross and crucifixion.

Because of that and another hole

(the opening of the Easter tomb)

I'm not afraid of holes

Dec 6 - Luke 23:46

Recently a parent wrote, asking about how to speak to their children about grandma's illness and impending death. Over the next several days, I'm letting you "listen in" to my pastoral advice. So far we have covered the following pieces of advice: 1. Be Honest and Upfront,  2. Focus Forward,  3. Grieve Honestly, 4. Grieve with Bold Determination, 5. Understand Life, 6. Quit Denying, 7. Praying Works, 8. Time Heals Wounds

Then Jesus, crying with a loud voice, said,

"Father, into your hands I commend my spirit."

Having said this, he breathed his last.

Luke 23:46

9 

Be Thankful

Did you know that greed is one of the seven deadly sins?

And I must confess that I am greedy.

In fact, even when I think I've conquered the love of money, I find I'm greedy for other things. Time, for example. I want to live as long as I possibly can. And I want my loved ones to live at least as long as me.

Are you greedy for that too?

Lately though, I've been looking at my life. (Kids growing up and getting married will do that.) I'm not young anymore. But rather than trying to hold back the sands in the hour glass, do you know what I've been thinking a lot about lately?

"If Jesus only got 33 years on earth,

why do I think I deserve more?!!"

Ponder that for a minute.

Our very first breath was more than any of us ever deserve. But how many of us are far exceeding what even the Son of God received?

Rather than lamenting how fast time is flying, we ought to be more thankful for this gift of life!

And we ought to be more thankful that this world is not our home.

In Christ's Love,

a guy who's learning to commend

his spirit -- and all his days --

into God's hands

Dec 4 - Psalm 34:18

Recently a parent wrote, asking about how to speak to their children about grandma's illness and impending death. Over the next several days, I'm letting you "listen in" to my pastoral advice. So far we have covered the following pieces of advice: 1. Be Honest and Upfront,  2. Focus Forward,  3. Grieve Honestly, 4. Grieve with Bold Determination, 5. Understand Life, 6. Quit Denying

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted;

he rescues those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

7

Praying works

I work with youth. Do you know what tends to be their first and second biggest faith crisis? (It can go in either order ...)

1. They engage in questionable behavior ... and they have to change their beliefs to match their new behavior (otherwise they feel bad about themselves and psychological it feels better to changer their beliefs than to feel bad about themselves).
2. Grandma dies.

Since we're talking this week about death, here's how the story usually goes.

• Grandma's sick.
• Granddaughter prays.
• Grandma eventually dies. (Even with prayer, Grandmas tend to die before granddaughters) 
• Granddaughter "learns" that prayer doesn't work.
• Granddaughter loses faith.

I've seen it over and over again.

Here's what you need to tell your kids -- and yourself -- in advance ...

The purpose of healing is not eternal life on earth. Think about it ... Even the people that Jesus himself healed didn't get to live forever on earth. (If they did, we'd see in the tabloids each week headlines like, "Leper that Jesus Healed is Dating Jennifer Anniston.")

Therefore, the purpose of healing is not life on earth ... it's faith in Jesus. Why? Because faith is the gateway to eternal life in heaven.

Do you get that?!

God has a better plan.

He doesn't want for us to live forever in this fallen, broken world! He wants us to live forever in a mansion with no more mourning, crying, or tears.

We will miss Grandma. Absolutely. Of course. But if we're honest, we don't want Grandma shakled eternally to her arthritis, we don't want Grandma to continually decline into dementia, and we certainly don't want Grandma to miss Grandpa and other loved ones who've gone on before her. Rather, we want Grandma to go and prepare a place for us -- just as Jesus has.

Therefore, if you know someone who's grieving, tell them, "Praying works!!!"

When we pray for someone we love who's teetering on the edge of death, what we are basically asking for in our prayers? "Lord, help Grandma live longer."

Guess what ... she will! Not here, of course. Not here, sadly, in our nearer presence. But God is inviting her -- and eventually us -- into a better world.

Yes, tell them that prayer works. Tell them that, "Lord, heal Grandma," is answered by God with, "In death, you are healed. You are young again. You are free."

In Christ's Love,

a guy who's presided over 100 deaths

and has come to know

that prayer definitely works!

Dec 3 - Luke 23:33,42,43

Recently a parent wrote, asking about how to speak to their children about grandma's illness and impending death. Over the next several days, I'm letting you "listen in" to my pastoral advice. So far we have covered the following pieces of advice: 1. Be Honest and Upfront,  2. Focus Forward,  3. Grieve Honestly, 4. Grieve with Bold Determination, 5. Understand Life

When they came to the place that is called The Skull,

they crucified Jesus there with the criminals

[one of these criminals] said, "Jesus, remember me

when you come into your kingdom."

He replied, "Truly I tell you,

today you will be with me in Paradise."

Luke 23:33,42,43

6

Quit Denying

I closed my last email with the signature: "a guy who likes heaven and victory more than secrets and defeat."

How many families do you know whose first name is "Secrets," whose middle name is "Denial," and whose last name is, therefore, "Defeat."

• I've known parents who haven't told their children about a diagnosis. "We don't want to burden them."
• I've known husbands who haven't let the doctors tell their spouse about a terminal illness. "I don't want them to worry."
• Furthermore, I constantly encounter people who don't say anything to their closest friends about any real burden their bearing. "It's private," they say.

As a result I've witnessed bucket-loads of unnecessary pain ... and anger ... and isolation.

The reality is that denial always hides in darkness and always cooperates with Satan. The truth about death will always and inevitably come. "Hiding it from the kids" won't make it go away; instead, it merely guarantees that it will hit us like a steamroller -- the full weight, all at once.

I agree, hard truths are always very painful ... especially initially. But truth -- told gracefully in advance -- eventually allows for a series of final gifts.

• We can have final conversations (see the final conversation in our verse for today)
• We can say what needs to be said -- the good things that lead to comfort and the hard things that lead to forgiveness
• In the sense of "live like we're dying" and making every moment count, stopping denial and living the truth allows us to face final days with more clarity and purpose.

Don't opt for darkness and denial. Opt for victory and hope.

In Christ's Love,

a guy whose first name is "Truth"

and whose last name is "Victory"

(sadly this makes my initials "T.V."

and I hoped this would get me away

from shallow living!)

Dec 2 - 1 Peter 1:24-25

Recently a parent wrote, asking about how to speak to their children about grandma's illness and impending death. Over the next several days, I'm letting you "listen in" to my pastoral advice. So far we have covered the following pieces of advice: 1. Be Honest and Upfront,  2. Focus Forward,  3. Grieve Honestly, 4. Grieve with Bold Determination

For "All flesh is like grass ... 

The grass withers, and the flower falls,

but the word of the Lord endures forever."

1 Peter 1:24-25

5

Give perspective

One of the reasons that we grieve so violently -- nowadays -- is because too many of us avoid the subject of death. Maybe we're superstitious: "If I ignore it, maybe it will forget about me."

Sorry. I doesn't work that way. Death is the rule ... not the exception.

Unfortunately, most of us don't live like that. In our modern days of medicine's miracles, people are living longer and longer. Therefore, death feels like a brutal exception and an unnecessary defeat.

It's not. It's normal.

A hundred years ago -- and for all of the centuries before that -- death was the rule rather than the exception. If you had four children, one or two might have made it to adulthood. Lots of mothers would have died in childhood. Lots of fathers would have died in farming accidents. Pneumonia and infection were frequent death sentences.

In my family, just a few decades earlier (and still in many parts of the world today), Mary Louise would have died delivering Paul. And Paul would have died along with her. And since Jay and Robbie are younger, they would have never been born. My whole family is a miracle. But do I act like that? No. Most of the time we treat life as an entitlement rather than a very fragile gift.

My recommendation is to start talking more about life as a gift -- a temporary gift.

... AND start talking about death as a normal part of life.

As families, we tend to clam up about these things. "If I ignore it, maybe it will forget about me." No! We need to stop the conspiracy of silence. Fear dwells in darkness. And as Christians, we really don't need to fear death.

I have a good friend that says, "It's always a good day to go to heaven." What if we start talking about ...

• life as a glorious and temporary treasure
• death as a normal part of life
• and our end here as a triumphant gateway to a better world (instead of a brutal exception and an unnecessary defeat)

In Christ's Love,

a guy who likes heaven and victory

more than secrets and defeat

Dec 1 - Romans 8:37

Recently a parent wrote, asking about how to speak to their children about grandma's illness and impending death. Over the next several days, I'm letting you "listen in" to my pastoral advice. So far we have covered the following pieces of advice: 1. Be Honest and Upfront,  2. Focus Forward,  3. Grieve Honestly 

in all these things

we are more than conquerors

through him who loved us

Romans 8:37

4

Grieve with Determination

Why do we grieve? Because there's a hole in our soul. A piece of love and a spark of life has have left our world.

We can be defeated by this — and many are. But we don't have to be!

When someone -- including yourself -- is grieving, remind them that grief means that you're simply yearning for something that this broken world can never deliver

Therefore ... if you don't like this thing called death, grief ought to be a powerful call to action! Grief is hard enough when we have hope; do you really want anyone you know and love to grieve without hope? No! Instead of being defeated, teach them to be as bold and brash as a knight venturing forward to conquer a dragon ...

Teach them to want to kick Satan's backside -- that's who's fault death is, not God's!

Teach them to want to defeat the powers of sin ... and death ... and discouragement. Indeed, discouragement is a frequently underestimated foe in world around us.

Teach them also to be torchbearers. Teach them to be disciples who are committed to bringing more light and more truth to this darkened world.

How do we do this? Daily obedience.

Obedience dresses us daily in the Full Armor of God. In fact, obeying daily -- in advance of life's inevitable crises -- helps us get accustomed to carrying the weight and wearing the protection before the trials arise.

That's the call for today: Dress yourself in obedience! Carry boldly God's torch of truth! And wear your grief as symbol of determination as you help defeat the shadow of death. 

In Christ's Love,

a guy who wants to kick butt

and take names

(Indeed, his despicable name is

LIVE spelled backwards)

Nov 30 - Psalm 23:4,6

Recently a parent wrote, asking about how to speak to their children about grandma's illness and impending death. Over the next several days, I'm letting you "listen in" to my pastoral advice. So far we have covered the following pieces of advice: 1. Be Honest and Upfront  2. Focus Forward 

Yea, though I walk through

the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil:

for thou art with me;

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me

all the days of my life: and I will

dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

Psalm 23:4,6

3

Grieve Deeply

Have you ever heard someone say, "Christians shouldn't grieve."

In a sense, they're right.

We shouldn't grieve ... like the world does. The world grieves without hope. We have two powerful antedotes: 1) the resurrection and therefore 2) hope.

And yet we still grieve. Why? Because every change produces loss. And every loss produces grief. And grieving isn't a denial of faith. Rather, it's a glorious admission that we have loved deeply ... and we miss the person who was a symbol of that love.

If you have loved deeply, do you know what that really means? God was there!!! (Because God is love.)

So, give a grieving person -- including yourself -- permission to grieve.

In fact, tell them that it may take a full year to stitch their broken heart back together. Indeed, the closer you were to person who died, the longer it will take.

But at the same time, remember this ... The God who wove the blessing of grandma into your life, will see you through the valley of the shadow of death. And in God's hands, laughter, hope, and joy will come again. Indeed, goodness and mercy will truly and again follow you all the days of your life. And you -- like grandma -- shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

In Christ's Love,

a guy who's loved deeply,

and grieved deeply,

and loved deeply again

(and will grieve again)

(and will love again)

(and will grieve again)

(and ... well, God's love

always gets the final word)

Nov 29 - Revelation 21:3-4

Recently a parent wrote, asking about how to speak to their children about grandma's illness and impending death. Over the next several days, I'm letting you "listen in" to my pastoral advice. So far we have covered the following pieces of advice: 1. Be Honest and Upfront 

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying,

"See, the home of God is among mortals.

He will wipe every tear from their eyes.

Death will be no more;

mourning and crying and pain will be no more

Revelation 21:3-4

2

Focus Forward

On the first two pages of scripture, God reveals his plan for humanity. As he creates, our Lord repeatedly says, "It is good, it is good, it is good." This goodness found its place in a perfect garden, which was filled with everything ... except mourning and crying, death and pain.

On the last two pages of scripture, God reveals his eternal plan for humanity. He tells us that there will be a new heaven, a new earth, a new "garden," filled with everything ... except mourning and crying and pain. In the fullness of God's plan, death will again be no more.

That's the first two pages (Gen 1 and 2) and the last two pages (Rev 21 and 22). But on the 1147 pages in between, sin rages and death has its way. In between, we certainly see glimpses of hope and promise — especially when Jesus comes in grace and glory — but mostly we see the imperfections of earth. Meaning? In these in-between-times, death keeps leaving a huge hole in too many hearts.

Therefore, when you know someone who is grieving, encourage them to quit looking downward at the grave and start focusing heavenward instead.

Now, this is definitely easier to say than to do. Tell your grieving friends that. But even more important, remind them that when we grieve, we are hungering for something that this broken earth can never supply.

Indeed, tell them that when we grieve we are already focusing forward. We are wanting what God promises. And we are mourning the wages of sin ... which is death.

Therefore, let us encourage one another to hunger for no more mourning, crying, or pain. Indeed, let us encourage one another to focus forward, to actively reach out for God's future, to vibrantly anticipate -- and with great hope -- the day that our deceased grandmas are already enjoying.

In Christ's Love,

a guy who wants his symbol to be

two triangles, pointing to the right

— look at the controls of your old VCR: 

I want to be "fast forward" and focused forward 

Nov 28 - 1 Thessalonians 4:13

But we do not want you

to be uninformed, brothers and sisters,

about those who have died,

so that you may not grieve

as others do who have no hope.

1 Thessalonians 4:13

"Pastor, my mother is dying, and I'm not sure what to say to my kids." I received an email similar to this recently. What would you say to the kids?

This parent knew intuitively that how a person responds to a death -- especially the first big loss in a child's life -- may set the tone for how a child perceives death for a long time.

But that's even more difficult when it's someone we love too that's dying. When "grandma" is our own "mom," we are grieving ourselves. As parents, now there is an extra responsibility: On top of my own grief, what do I say to my kids?

It responded by email. It became a long letter. And as I was writing it, I realized that this is information that most of us need to know because ...

1. Grief will inevitably come to our own house, and we need to know to deal with loss, first, for our own fragile hearts.
   
2. Second, we also need to know how to respond to others -- whether they're our own children or our co-workers at the office.

Here was the first piece of advice:

Tell them everything --

the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth.

I know we all want to spare our kids any additional pain. But denial doesn't soften the blow. It usually worses it.

Yes, truth can be initially very painful. But ... 

• the truth will eventually come out anyway (At the funeral, for example, it will be hard to hide the fact that grandma's gone.)
  
• truth -- in age-appropriate words -- also allows for ongoing conversation, participation through prayer, and emotional processing before the death
  
• truth allows the person who's dying to give final gifts, usually statements of love, stories that strengthen, and wisdom that will guide us into the future 
  
• truth builds a sense of family trust and fosters more honest communication throughout the years
  
• truth also defeats secrets, denials, and other things that thrive in darkness
  
• furthermore, truth allows us to carry one another's burdens as we journey downward toward a death ... and back upward as we heal
  
• as Paul says in our verse today, truth keeps us from being "uninformed ... about those who have died, so that [we] may not grieve as others do who have no hope"
• and truth, as Jesus said, shall set us free. 

Secrets and denials live in darkness. And while our discussions must be age-appropriate, involving them in the discussion lets them see the entire journey from the darkness of grief to our own eventual resurrection of hope and light.

In Christ's Love,

a guy who cares deeply about

how we all handle grief and loss,

despair and hope