Nov 28 - 1 Thessalonians 4:13

But we do not want you

to be uninformed, brothers and sisters,

about those who have died,

so that you may not grieve

as others do who have no hope.

1 Thessalonians 4:13

"Pastor, my mother is dying, and I'm not sure what to say to my kids." I received an email similar to this recently. What would you say to the kids?

This parent knew intuitively that how a person responds to a death -- especially the first big loss in a child's life -- may set the tone for how a child perceives death for a long time.

But that's even more difficult when it's someone we love too that's dying. When "grandma" is our own "mom," we are grieving ourselves. As parents, now there is an extra responsibility: On top of my own grief, what do I say to my kids?

It responded by email. It became a long letter. And as I was writing it, I realized that this is information that most of us need to know because ...

1. Grief will inevitably come to our own house, and we need to know to deal with loss, first, for our own fragile hearts.
   
2. Second, we also need to know how to respond to others -- whether they're our own children or our co-workers at the office.

Here was the first piece of advice:

Tell them everything --

the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth.

I know we all want to spare our kids any additional pain. But denial doesn't soften the blow. It usually worses it.

Yes, truth can be initially very painful. But ... 

• the truth will eventually come out anyway (At the funeral, for example, it will be hard to hide the fact that grandma's gone.)
  
• truth -- in age-appropriate words -- also allows for ongoing conversation, participation through prayer, and emotional processing before the death
  
• truth allows the person who's dying to give final gifts, usually statements of love, stories that strengthen, and wisdom that will guide us into the future 
  
• truth builds a sense of family trust and fosters more honest communication throughout the years
  
• truth also defeats secrets, denials, and other things that thrive in darkness
  
• furthermore, truth allows us to carry one another's burdens as we journey downward toward a death ... and back upward as we heal
  
• as Paul says in our verse today, truth keeps us from being "uninformed ... about those who have died, so that [we] may not grieve as others do who have no hope"
• and truth, as Jesus said, shall set us free. 

Secrets and denials live in darkness. And while our discussions must be age-appropriate, involving them in the discussion lets them see the entire journey from the darkness of grief to our own eventual resurrection of hope and light.

In Christ's Love,

a guy who cares deeply about

how we all handle grief and loss,

despair and hope