Apr 16 - Proverbs 15:1

A soft answer turns away wrath,

but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Proverbs 15:1

 

“How?”

 

That’s our question for today. How do you fight fair?

 

Proverbs 15:1 advises us that “a soft answer turns away wrath.” That’s a good tip for fighting fair! Today we’re simply going to focus on several tips for working through challenges in an increasingly less confrontational way.

 

Focus

 

Focus on the issue at hand … and don’t bring up old issues and past grudges.

 

Focus on the issue at hand – the issue – and don’t attack the other person. Name calling is destructive, and character assassination only assassinates the relationship.

 

Focus on the core issue at hand … and don’t get distracted by side-issues … and don’t get distracted by symptoms either. For example, if the big issue is sharing responsibility, don’t keep focusing on lesser symptoms like forgetting to do the dishes.

 

Keep from pointing fingers.

 

Don’t focus on what the other person is doing. Focus on how it makes you feel.

 

A good way to do this is to use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. Don’t say, “Why do you refuse to hang up your clothes?” Say instead, “I get anxious when there’s a lot of clutter. Could you help by hanging up your clothes?” … or perhaps, “I feel disrespected when you don’t follow through on your promise to hang up your clothes.”

 

Yes, there’s still a little confrontation, but you’re putting the focus on you and your feelings, rather than squarely on the other person’s failures. After all, it’s your feelings about an issue that’s calling to account the other person’s behavior. So focus there.

 

Measure your emotions.

 

Not every issue is life-altering. Therefore, not every disagreement needs to be approached at full volume!

 

And be proportional. If the other person isn’t yelling, don’t you be the one that starts.

 

Allow YOUR BELOVED to Retreat with Dignity.

 

In the heat of an argument, I know that there are times when I need to calm down. Indeed, if we’re ever going to discuss an issue sanely, I sometimes need to walk away and breathe.

 

But what if my wife didn’t allow me to occasionally retreat? What if, in walking away and regrouping, Mary Louise made me feel like I was losing and surrendering? If I couldn’t occasionally retreat with dignity, we’d stay and fight until one of us was dead (figuratively, of course).

 

Part of fighting fair is realizing that most of our arguments are not really life and death! Winning, indeed, does not mean winning every argument; rather, winning in marriage is understanding each other more deeply.

 

Allow the other person to retreat with dignity, and then when you come together again, you’re both closer to truly winning.

 

QUESTION: see below

 

In Christ’s Love,

a guy who points fingers,

then looks down and see

that three fingers are

pointed back at me

 

QUESTION: On a scale of one to ten, rate how you are at each of these tools for fighting fair.

 

            __ Focus on the issue at hand.

            __ Keep from pointing fingers.

            __ Measure your emotions.

            __ Allow the Other Person to Retreat with Dignity.

 

What are some next steps that you need to take to bless your marriage?