We are pressed on
every side by troubles,
but we are not crushed.
We are perplexed,
but not driven to despair.
We are hunted down, but
never abandoned by God.
We get knocked down,
but we are not destroyed.
2 Corinthians 4:8-9
NLT
What is the purpose of the first year of marriage?
Most of us would say things like happiness, companionship, and enjoyment.
Many of us might cite partnership, protection, or shared resources.
Many of us might answer more philosophically or theologically: “Marriage is completeness.” “Married is for fruitfulness.” “Marriage is a godly witness to a broken world.”
Those are all true. They are long-term goals, and I pray that all of them are fulfilled for you. But yesterday, I ended my devotion with a radical claim: The point of the first year of marriage, in learning to live together, is to learn to fight fair!
Fighting?! (Fair or otherwise?) Really?! That’s the point of the first year of marriage?!
As the years go on, I hope you arrive at all of the great marital blessings – companionship, completeness, fruitfulness, enjoyment, witness, and more. But … you won’t discover them fully until you learn to work past conflict.
Fighting fair is bridge to joy. Therefore, the first year of marriage is a vital training ground. Husbands and wives must learning to push together past the challenges. (In fact, when you discover the blessing of fighting fair, then all of life’s other blessings begin to finally and fully unfold.)
Now, in future days, I’ll teach you how – how to fight fair (and how to fight less too). Today, however, we need to focus first on “why?” Why is learning conflict management a crucial technique? Because …
· If we don’t learn how to decide fairly which direction the toilet paper goes on the roll, then how will we decide fairly which direction to choose when both of you have alternate opportunities (and alternate desires) in alternate directions?
· If we can’t hash out fairly which of us is supposed to take out the trash, then how will we handle things wisely and fairly when one of us loses a job, our income is cut in half, and we have to decide what major things in our budget to cut?
· If we’re not patient with each other through the regular ups and downs of life, how will we handle it when one of our parents dies and that one is slowed down for months because they’re grieving?
· If we can’t forgive each other for cross words when we’re tired after a long day of work, how will we handle it lovingly when we’re emotionally and physically exhausted because our first child is born with a major birth defect?
· If we can’t decide fairly how to share responsibilities when both of us are young and healthy and able and we have relatively few responsibilities yet, how will we handle it when one of us is in a car accident and is paralyzed from the waist down needs to depend on the other for constant support?
That’s life, people.
· In our life together, we moved to Minnesota to chase Mary Louise’s career – an internship in veterinary medicine, and then we moved back to North Carolina (at an inconvenient time for me) when her mother got cancer. I was unemployed and underemployed for a while because of this move, and our income was almost non-existent. That’s life. And we had to learn to weather the stress fairly.
· As a result of this move, I would up clinically depressed for a year. A few years later, and because of different circumstances, Mary Louise took a turn at being depressed. That’s life. And we had to learn to weather the stress fairly.
· For me to chase my education and career, we moved several times, and often these moves (like to New Mexico) required moving farther and farther from our nuclear family. That’s life. And we had to learn to weather the stress fairly.
· We had a son, then another son, and then another. Five of us lived in an old thousand-square foot duplex with two big dogs and a cat that chased the mice. We moved finally into a bigger home, but soon weathered a major forest fire that raged through our back yard and basically destroyed our town. We had moves that were good and moves that were disastrous. There were times when we were stuck in jobs and communities that we really didn’t like. That’s life. And we had to learn to weather the stress fairly.
· Then Mary Louise was diagnosed with cancer. And then diagnosed again -- at least, pre-cancerous. That’s life.
But here’s the good news. I just highlighted the stresses. And they’ve been massive. That’s life. But because we learned to weather the stress fairly, I can honestly say I’m in the middle of a story-book life.
We’ve both been able to live our calling. We raised (and are very proud of) our three boys. We’ve gotten to travel – I we took our boys to 49 of the 50 states. God and faith and worship is the center of our lives. (That’s a gift to Mary Louise and I, but we’re even more joyful that it’s the center of our son’s lives). We’ve been married 28 years! And we’re very happy.
Why? Partly, it’s perspective. Partly it’s because we’ve learned to fight fair. We’ve learned to work through stress and keep moving forward joyfully.
Question: Don’t underestimate the importance of the first year of marriage. Every little fight and every little decision sets a pattern. Will all these little things be destructive or redemptive? What’s your choice? What’s your will? Indeed, will you commit to being honest, remaining patient, and working daily toward fairness and forgiveness?
In Christ’s Love,
a guy who must not
take too much credit
for this storybook life
(It’s really because of
God’s awesome help.
We borrow his strength
and discover daily his
love, joy, and peace.)
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