Saturday, April 11, 2015

Apr 11-12 - 2 Timothy 2:23-24a

Have nothing to do with

foolish, ignorant controversies;

you know that they breed quarrels.

And the Lord's servant must not be

quarrelsome but kind to everyone ...

2 Timothy 2:23-24a

ESV

 

Yesterday, I talked about what to do in the middle of a stressed conversation.

 

(Wait. Isn’t a “stressed conversation” a very politically-correct way to say a “fight,” a “quarrel,” a “snit,” or a “foolish, ignorant controversy,” as the Apostle Paul calls it?)

 

Anyway, I told you yesterday to pause long enough to breathe!  Indeed, while you’re intentionally not reacting, I suggested that you assume the best of your beloved, practice forgiveness, and look for humor.

 

But there’s one more step: Self-awareness.

 

Whenever we find ourselves tumbling into yet another “stressed conversation,” it’s wise to stop and reflect on our own emotions.

 

(Wait ... again. You’re a better person than I, if you can stop in the middle of a “snit.” It’s usually afterward, when I’m bloody, scarred, and humbled -- and even humiliated because of the way I reacted -- that I’m able to look back objectively. And then there’s another problem: Even when it’s clear that I wasn’t completely right, I’m often too stubborn to admit that I was wrong!)

 

Anyway, in the midst of our stressed conversations, it’s important to start asking .. Why does it seem so important to win this argument?

 

Why? Is it because I’m competitive?

 

To be honest, most of us like to win. It’s build into our psyche. But think about winning and losing and what that means to a relationship. Win-lose is an absolutely horrible model for a successful marriage.

 

Therefore, if you’re competitive, find some playful outlets for this part of your nature … and quit bringing it into your basic communication! It’ll ruin your marriage.

 

Winning an argument means someone wins and someone loses. Said another way, one person in the relationship desires to top the other. But partners are not designed to be better and worse than the other. Partners in marriage must be equal. Yes, of course, we have different gifts. Mary Louise is much better at some things than I, but I have gifts in areas she doesn’t. And, yes, we certainly have different roles. But if I’m trying to prove I’m better, I’m actually worse! I’m insecure. And I’m belittling my partner so that I can feel better about myself.

 

One last thought ... Let’s go back and ask that question again: Why does it seem so important to win this argument? Indeed, why does it seem like you “have to” prove that you’re right ... that you’re better? Do you see a different side to competition? Might this be insecurity?

 

Insecurity means you think less of yourself than God does. It’s time to see yourself the way God sees you. In Ephesians 1:3-14, he calls each of us, His “child” who is “loved,” “blessed,” “chose[n],” “forgiven,” and “redeemed.” Indeed, God loves you so much, that He has an “inheritance” waiting for you!

 

It’s also time to see my beloved the way God sees them! In Ephesians 2:10, God calls your beloved a “masterpiece”! And whenever we’re competitive, whenever we’re trying to prove that we’re better than our beloved, we’re not seeing either of us in God’s light. We are equal. We are partners. And we are loved … so that we can love others.

 

QUESTION: Why do you keep fighting so hard to win when teamwork is the goal in marriage? Is it competitiveness? (Competition will make your marriage lose?) Is it insecurity? (Trust God’s evaluation of both you and your beloved.)

 

In Christ’s Love,

a guy who wants real wins

(which requires teamwork)

 

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