We ... practice strict self-control
... to win ... an eternal prize
1 Corinthians 9:25
NLT
“Win.” That’s our key word for today.
And in terms of winning, who are you?
When problems and stress occur, which personality describes you best?
· Are you a competitor? Do you seek to win in as many situations as possible?
· Are you a collaborator? Do you try to make sure that the other person is equally involved and feels important?
· Are you a compromiser? Are you willing to make sure everyone gets at least a little win, even if you don’t get all that you originally wanted?
· Are you an accommodator? Are you more interested in the other person getting what they want than you getting what you need?
· Are you an avoider? Do you seek to avoid conflict completely, preferring peace to asserting your desires at all?
That’s the first question – which are you?
Do you know what the more important question is? It’s “Which style is best?”
Obviously, the win at all costs mentality of a competitor means that someone always loses. Indeed, competitors may win a few skirmishes in the short-run, but in the long-run, they leave a trail of destruction, and they themselves are the ultimate losers. (And, of course, most of the people around them are often losers too.)
The avoider and the accommodator have one main thing in common: neither gets what he wants. By either avoiding conflict or politely giving in, both subjugate their own needs. In the short run, this seems peaceful. And it is … externally. Internally, however, there is usually a price to pay. Silencing our own wants and needs is not a recipe for personal peace.
The compromiser is headed in the right direction. They’re willing to take an occasional loss for the sake of a greater win. But it still involves a loss.
That’s why the collaborator is the most healthy of all. The collaborator keeps working until there’s a win-win.
The key to health and collaboration, though, is assertiveness.
On the surface, assertiveness doesn’t always seem peaceful … even Christian. By definition, being assertive means being strong and bold. Jesus was both. Though he was gentle and loving, he also said what he meant and meant what he said. He was honest and clear and consistent. He changed the world by telling the truth.
We can see the value of assertiveness when we look at it on a spectrum. What is on either side (and extreme) of assertiveness? On one side is passiveness. Which is “you lose.” On the other extreme is “aggression”; which means that the other person loses. (By the way, there’s also another such thing as passive-aggression, which is pretending to be nice, while working for the downfall of the other.)
Assertiveness is right in the center. It is honest and clear. It upholds your own position. But in its honest clarity, it does it in such a way that respects the position of the other person too.
If you want peace in life and marriage, don’t lose (avoidance and accommodation) and don’t make the other person lose (competition). Don’t be passive or aggressive or passive-aggressive. Don’t even settle for a compromise – whether it’s good, bad, or mediocre.
Instead, risk a few more minutes of temporary conflict so that you can achieve a longer term peace.
Be honest about your thoughts and feelings. Assertive about them too.
And always be respectful of the other person.
Work collaboratively until there’s a win-win.
QUESTION: Are you naturally a competitor, collaborator, compromiser, accommodator, or avoider? What concrete steps do you need to take to collaborate more effectively?
In Christ’s Love,
a guy who’s a
natural compromiser
… oops
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