Anxiety in a man's heart
weighs him down, but
a good word makes him glad.
Proverbs 12:25
ESV
There are two types of conversation: normal communication … and communication under stress!
When we are stressed, we are less patient. We react, rather than decide. We often operate on fleeting feelings, rather than calm thoughtfulness. Frustration is nearer the surface. So is anger. Even tears.
When we are stressed, we see less humor. Like old dogs, sometimes our hackles are up, and we’re more ready to fight. We snip and snap. We defend our actions. We’re less able to see the other person’s point of view.
Sound familiar?
And let me ask this: How common is stress in our modern world? It’s epidemic, isn’t it?
Therefore, what’s the quality of much of our daily communication? It’s constantly under constant stress! And as a result, much of our regular communication is impatient, reactive, thoughtless, and defensive.
Is that what you want from marriage?
Both of you deserve more.
Here are few tips to remove stress and improve both your communication and your relationship …
1. Use Good (and Life-Giving) Words.
As Solomon says, “Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.”
2. Don’t React.
We’re short and snippy when we’re stressed. And because of stress, our beloved may occasionally snip at us. Or … we may simply perceive that they do. Is it their stress that’s making their conversation snippy? Or … is it our stress that’s causing us to read the situation incorrectly? (That’s usually my case. I’m often way more reactive and defensive than is called for.) Furthermore, some bad communication habits have made us both a little more short and defensive than we should be. Don’t react, rather …
3. Breathe Deeply.
Instead of reacting, remember to breathe! Calm yourself before your respond. “Count to ten” is the old but blessed advice. The reason is clear: By postponing a confrontation – by ten seconds, ten minutes, or ten hours – we can transform a heated confrontation into a productive conversation.
4. Assume the Best.
While you’re breathing more deeply and collecting your wits, ask yourself, “What does my beloved want from life and marriage?” The answer’s easy: Love. Joy. Peace. Same as you! Therefore, while frustration may reign at any given moment, remember that your beloved would gladly trade quarreling for reconciliation … if one of you softened. When you remember to assume the best of your beloved, the one who softens can be you!
5. Forgive.
If Jesus could forgive the people who literally nailed him to a cross, you can recall that this momentary frustration surely doesn’t rise to that level! We all wired to think that the other person started the fight with their shortness or tone of voice. The truth is, you almost certainly played a role in it too. Move on … by forgiving.
6. Look for the Humor.
Mary Louise is much better at this than I. Sometimes she gently reminds me of the humor in the confrontations that we’re having. Obviously, we’re not to laugh at our beloved; nevertheless, when we’re arguing over something as inane as socks, she’ll sometimes remind us of how silly this is. In the heat of the moment, we treat things like they’re life and death. But when we step back a few inches, it’s often really is rather silly.
QUESTION: see below
In Christ’s Love,
a guy who wants to lose weight
(so please use “good words”
when I’m weighed down)
QUESTION: Rate yourself (on a scale of 1 to 10) in each of these areas:
__ Use Good (and Life-Giving) Words.
__ Don’t React.
__ Breathe Deeply.
__ Assume the Best.
__ Forgive.
__ Look for the Humor.
What do these insights tell you about your ability to minimize your partner’s stress through your own ability to listen?
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