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Apr 21 - Exodus 24:3-8

Moses … sent young men

of the people … who …

sacrificed oxen as offerings

of well-being to the Lord. …

Moses took … the book

of the covenant, and read it

in the hearing of the people;

and they said, “All that the Lord

has spoken we will do…”

Moses took the blood and

dashed it on the people, and said,

“See the blood of the covenant that

the Lord has made with you …”

Exodus 24:3-8

NRSV

 

Introduction to Covenant Keeping

 

When I was a kid, spit was often used to “seal a deal.”

 

You’d spit on your palm and extend the hands of friendship. (Apparently saliva is part of the cement that forges an unbreakable bond. It’s as close as eight-year-olds knew could get to a binding contract.)

 

Biblically, forging a covenant was somewhat akin to this childhood method of deal-making – “akin,” of course, in an icky, messy, bodily fluid kind of way.

 

To “cut” a covenant in Bible times, you’d take a bull and chop it in half. Pulling the two sections a few feet apart, both parties would walk through the blood and guts and entrails. This would “seal the covenant.” The apparent message was, “If I break this covenant, may the same thing happen to me as happened to this bull” (see Jeremiah 34:15-21)

 

Ouch.

 

A marriage is a covenant.

 

As a pastor, I’m glad that I don’t have to butcher a steer as part of every wedding ceremony!

 

Nevertheless, imagine what would happen if couples took their marriage vows as seriously as Biblical covenant-making – “The day I quit fighting for my marriage, go ahead and cut me in half!”

 

Question: For the next couple of weeks, we’ll be focusing on covenant keeping, but it must start with this question: Do you view your marriage as a convenience? A contract? A commitment? Or a covenant? God designed marriage to be a covenant, so the question is, in your marriage, are you investing yourself so fully that you might as well be saying, “The day I quit fighting for my marriage, go ahead and cut me in half!”

 

In Christ’s Love,

a guy who wants

to discover this week

the Biblical power

and purpose of

covenantal marriage

 

Apr 20 - 1 Corinthians 13:1

If I speak in the tongues

of mortals and of angels,

but do not have love,

I am a noisy gong or

a clanging cymbal.

1 Corinthians 13:1

^NRSV

 

Let me tell you the problem of conflict with my wife.

 

The problem is that I love her.

 

People I don’t care about can’t really hurt me.

 

Yes, I care a little bit about the opinions of others. (Just a little … especially the farther they are from me.) But the closer a person is to my heart, the more their opinion matters to me.

 

Therefore, when the person I love the most in the world is angry with me … or sarcastic to me … or seemingly disrespecting me … it hurts. She may not be intending to hurt me (or disrespect me), but it still hurts.

 

And guess what … my anger, sarcasm, and disrespect hurt her too. I am often “a noisy gong [and] a clanging cymbal.”

 

So ... why do we hurt the people we love and who love us? It’s because we live so close together. We rub up against each other too often. (Now, sometimes all that rubbing is pleasurable!) But too often all of this friction is like sand-paper.

 

We all have bad habits. We have irritating quirks. Intentionally and mostly unintentionally, we speak harshly. We forget to do some things, and we leave other things undone. We fuss and fight. We defend ourselves. We justify our actions. We’re on different schedules, leaving the other person with unmet expectations. We are noisy gongs and inane cymbals.

 

Let’s all say it together: We’re a mess.

 

He’s a mess. She’s a mess. We’re all messes. And we hurt each other because the other person matters so much to us.

 

Wait! Read the last part of that last sentence. It’s “because our beloved matters so much!”

 

Did you see it? There’s the building block. There’s the reason to keep at it. You matter to each other!

 

And here’s the real secret to resolving marital conflict … assume the best of each other!

 

You do love each other. That’s why you’re together in the first place. So assume the best of each other!

 

When you have two ways to interpret things – “Did she mean it when she said, ‘Yes,’ or should I read more into her tone?” – assume the best!

 

“Did he intentionally not clean up the kitchen like I asked?” Assume the best!

 

Assume the best. Assume the best. ASSUME THE BEST!

 

QUESTION: Are you actively assuming the best of those closest to you?

 

In Christ’s Love,

a guy who had this

principle help transform

his marriage

Apr 18-19 - Romans 3:23

For all have sinned and

fall short of the glory of God

Romans 3:23

^ESV

 

My boys always hated when I was in charge!

 

When these three spirited youngsters would get into their inevitable spats, they’d come crying for justice. Their mom would mete out punishment proportionately. You caused 60% of the problem; therefore, you get 60% of the punishment. It was fair.

 

When I was in charge, I’d say, “Both of you … go to your rooms!”

 

They’d argue. “But he did this,” and “Well, he started that.”

 

I said, “I don’t care. It takes two to fight. That means both of you are guilty. Go to your rooms.”

 

That’s true in marriages too. “All [of us] have sinned and fall short.” Therefore, do you know what the two most important words in the world are? Arguably, the two most life-givng words in our arsenal are, “I’m sorry.”

 

Whether you bear 1% of the guilt or 99% of the guilt, you have something you can (and probably need to) apologize for. Take responsibility for that.

 

I mean, even when I didn’t start a fight – or even when I don’t feel like I did – I still often respond! I sometimes snap back. I talk disrespectfully. Even when I don’t start a fight, I’m part of the fight. I need to take responsibility for that.

 

But if I say those two powerful words, “I’m sorry,” I stop the fight in its tracks. I’ve humbled myself. I’ve admitted that I own a part of the conflict. And I’ve admitted that reconciliation is more important to me than being right.

 

You “own” at least part of every conflict. Try using those two powerful words … a lot.

 

QUESTION: Why not try it? Start saying “sorry” ... a lot!

 

In Christ’s Love,

a guy who is indeed

sorry … a lot

 

 

Apr 17 - 1 Corinthians 9:25

We ... practice strict self-control

... to win  ... an eternal prize

1 Corinthians 9:25

^NLT

 

“Win.” That’s our key word for today.

 

And in terms of winning, who are you?

 

When problems and stress occur, which personality describes you best?

 

·         Are you a competitor? Do you seek to win in as many situations as possible?

 

·         Are you a collaborator? Do you try to make sure that the other person is equally involved and feels important?

 

·         Are you a compromiser? Are you willing to make sure everyone gets at least a little win, even if you don’t get all that you originally wanted?

 

·         Are you an accommodator? Are you more interested in the other person getting what they want than you getting what you need?

 

·         Are you an avoider? Do you seek to avoid conflict completely, preferring peace to asserting your desires at all?

 

That’s the first question – which are you?

 

Do you know what the more important question is? It’s “Which style is best?”

 

Obviously, the win at all costs mentality of a competitor means that someone always loses. Indeed, competitors may win a few skirmishes in the short-run, but in the long-run, they leave a trail of destruction, and they themselves are the ultimate losers. (And, of course, most of the people around them are often losers too.)

 

The avoider and the accommodator have one main thing in common: neither gets what he wants. By either avoiding conflict or politely giving in, both subjugate their own needs. In the short run, this seems peaceful. And it is … externally. Internally, however, there is usually a price to pay. Silencing our own wants and needs is not a recipe for personal peace.

 

The compromiser is headed in the right direction. They’re willing to take an occasional loss for the sake of a greater win. But it still involves a loss.

 

That’s why the collaborator is the most healthy of all. The collaborator keeps working until there’s a win-win.

 

The key to health and collaboration, though, is assertiveness.

 

On the surface, assertiveness doesn’t always seem peaceful … even Christian. By definition, being assertive means being strong and bold. Jesus was both. Though he was gentle and loving, he also said what he meant and meant what he said. He was honest and clear and consistent. He changed the world by telling the truth.

 

We can see the value of assertiveness when we look at it on a spectrum. What is on either side (and extreme) of assertiveness? On one side is passiveness. Which is “you lose.” On the other extreme is “aggression”; which means that the other person loses. (By the way, there’s also another such thing as passive-aggression, which is pretending to be nice, while working for the downfall of the other.)

 

Assertiveness is right in the center. It is honest and clear. It upholds your own position. But in its honest clarity, it does it in such a way that respects the position of the other person too.

 

If you want peace in life and marriage, don’t lose (avoidance and accommodation) and don’t make the other person lose (competition). Don’t be passive or aggressive or passive-aggressive. Don’t even settle for a compromise – whether it’s good, bad, or mediocre.

 

Instead, risk a few more minutes of temporary conflict so that you can achieve a longer term peace.

 

Be honest about your thoughts and feelings. Assertive about them too.

 

And always be respectful of the other person.

 

Work collaboratively until there’s a win-win.

 

QUESTION: Are you naturally a competitor, collaborator, compromiser, accommodator, or avoider? What concrete steps do you need to take to collaborate more effectively?

 

In Christ’s Love,

a guy who’s a

natural compromiser

… oops

 

Apr 16 - Proverbs 15:1

A soft answer turns away wrath,

but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Proverbs 15:1

 

“How?”

 

That’s our question for today. How do you fight fair?

 

Proverbs 15:1 advises us that “a soft answer turns away wrath.” That’s a good tip for fighting fair! Today we’re simply going to focus on several tips for working through challenges in an increasingly less confrontational way.

 

Focus

 

Focus on the issue at hand … and don’t bring up old issues and past grudges.

 

Focus on the issue at hand – the issue – and don’t attack the other person. Name calling is destructive, and character assassination only assassinates the relationship.

 

Focus on the core issue at hand … and don’t get distracted by side-issues … and don’t get distracted by symptoms either. For example, if the big issue is sharing responsibility, don’t keep focusing on lesser symptoms like forgetting to do the dishes.

 

Keep from pointing fingers.

 

Don’t focus on what the other person is doing. Focus on how it makes you feel.

 

A good way to do this is to use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. Don’t say, “Why do you refuse to hang up your clothes?” Say instead, “I get anxious when there’s a lot of clutter. Could you help by hanging up your clothes?” … or perhaps, “I feel disrespected when you don’t follow through on your promise to hang up your clothes.”

 

Yes, there’s still a little confrontation, but you’re putting the focus on you and your feelings, rather than squarely on the other person’s failures. After all, it’s your feelings about an issue that’s calling to account the other person’s behavior. So focus there.

 

Measure your emotions.

 

Not every issue is life-altering. Therefore, not every disagreement needs to be approached at full volume!

 

And be proportional. If the other person isn’t yelling, don’t you be the one that starts.

 

Allow YOUR BELOVED to Retreat with Dignity.

 

In the heat of an argument, I know that there are times when I need to calm down. Indeed, if we’re ever going to discuss an issue sanely, I sometimes need to walk away and breathe.

 

But what if my wife didn’t allow me to occasionally retreat? What if, in walking away and regrouping, Mary Louise made me feel like I was losing and surrendering? If I couldn’t occasionally retreat with dignity, we’d stay and fight until one of us was dead (figuratively, of course).

 

Part of fighting fair is realizing that most of our arguments are not really life and death! Winning, indeed, does not mean winning every argument; rather, winning in marriage is understanding each other more deeply.

 

Allow the other person to retreat with dignity, and then when you come together again, you’re both closer to truly winning.

 

QUESTION: see below

 

In Christ’s Love,

a guy who points fingers,

then looks down and see

that three fingers are

pointed back at me

 

QUESTION: On a scale of one to ten, rate how you are at each of these tools for fighting fair.

 

            __ Focus on the issue at hand.

            __ Keep from pointing fingers.

            __ Measure your emotions.

            __ Allow the Other Person to Retreat with Dignity.

 

What are some next steps that you need to take to bless your marriage?

Apr 15 - 2 Corinthians 4:8-9

We are pressed on

every side by troubles,

but we are not crushed.

We are perplexed,

but not driven to despair.

We are hunted down, but

never abandoned by God.

We get knocked down,

but we are not destroyed.

2 Corinthians 4:8-9

^NLT

 

What is the purpose of the first year of marriage?

 

Most of us would say things like happiness, companionship, and enjoyment.

 

Many of us might cite partnership, protection, or shared resources.

 

Many of us might answer more philosophically or theologically: “Marriage is completeness.” “Married is for fruitfulness.” “Marriage is a godly witness to a broken world.”

 

Those are all true. They are long-term goals, and I pray that all of them are fulfilled for you. But yesterday, I ended my devotion with a radical claim: The point of the first year of marriage, in learning to live together, is to learn to fight fair!

 

Fighting?! (Fair or otherwise?) Really?! That’s the point of the first year of marriage?!

 

As the years go on, I hope you arrive at all of the great marital blessings – companionship, completeness, fruitfulness, enjoyment, witness, and more. But … you won’t discover them fully until you learn to work past conflict.

 

Fighting fair is bridge to joy. Therefore, the first year of marriage is a vital training ground.  Husbands and wives must learning to push together past the challenges. (In fact, when you discover the blessing of fighting fair, then all of life’s other blessings begin to finally and fully unfold.)

 

Now, in future days, I’ll teach you how – how to fight fair (and how to fight less too). Today, however, we need to focus first on “why?” Why is learning conflict management a crucial technique? Because …

 

·         If we don’t learn how to decide fairly which direction the toilet paper goes on the roll, then how will we decide fairly which direction to choose when both of you have alternate opportunities (and alternate desires) in alternate directions?

 

·         If we can’t hash out fairly which of us is supposed to take out the trash, then how will we handle things wisely and fairly when one of us loses a job, our income is cut in half, and we have to decide what major things in our budget to cut?

 

·         If we’re not patient with each other through the regular ups and downs of life, how will we handle it when one of our parents dies and that one is slowed down for months because they’re grieving?

 

·         If we can’t forgive each other for cross words when we’re tired after a long day of work, how will we handle it lovingly when we’re emotionally and physically exhausted because our first child is born with a major birth defect?

 

·         If we can’t decide fairly how to share responsibilities when both of us are young and healthy and able and we have relatively few responsibilities yet, how will we handle it when one of us is in a car accident and is paralyzed from the waist down needs to depend on the other for constant support?

 

That’s life, people.

 

·         In our life together, we moved to Minnesota to chase Mary Louise’s career – an internship in veterinary medicine, and then we moved back to North Carolina (at an inconvenient time for me) when her mother got cancer. I was unemployed and underemployed for a while because of this move, and our income was almost non-existent. That’s life. And we had to learn to weather the stress fairly.

 

·         As a result of this move, I would up clinically depressed for a year. A few years later, and because of different circumstances, Mary Louise took a turn at being depressed. That’s life. And we had to learn to weather the stress fairly.

 

·         For me to chase my education and career, we moved several times, and often these moves (like to New Mexico) required moving farther and farther from our nuclear family. That’s life. And we had to learn to weather the stress fairly.

 

·         We had a son, then another son, and then another. Five of us lived in an old thousand-square foot duplex with two big dogs and a cat that chased the mice. We moved finally into a bigger home, but soon weathered a major forest fire that raged through our back yard and basically destroyed our town. We had moves that were good and moves that were disastrous. There were times when we were stuck in jobs and communities that we really didn’t like. That’s life. And we had to learn to weather the stress fairly.

 

·         Then Mary Louise was diagnosed with cancer. And then diagnosed again -- at least, pre-cancerous. That’s life.

 

But here’s the good news. I just highlighted the stresses. And they’ve been massive. That’s life. But because we learned to weather the stress fairly, I can honestly say I’m in the middle of a story-book life.

 

We’ve both been able to live our calling. We raised (and are very proud of) our three boys. We’ve gotten to travel – I we took our boys to 49 of the 50 states. God and faith and worship is the center of our lives. (That’s a gift to Mary Louise and I, but we’re even more joyful that it’s the center of our son’s lives). We’ve been married 28 years! And we’re very happy.

 

Why? Partly, it’s perspective. Partly it’s because we’ve learned to fight fair. We’ve learned to work through stress and keep moving forward joyfully.

 

Question: Don’t underestimate the importance of the first year of marriage. Every little fight and every little decision sets a pattern. Will all these little things be destructive or redemptive? What’s your choice? What’s your will? Indeed, will you commit to being honest, remaining patient, and working daily toward fairness and forgiveness?

 

In Christ’s Love,

a guy who must not

take too much credit

for this storybook life

(It’s really because of

God’s awesome help.

We borrow his strength

and discover daily his

love, joy, and peace.)

 

In Transition? Join us this Wednesday for Practical Solutions

Are you in Transition of any Kind?

Job Change (New Job, Job Losses, Retirement),

Financial Changes, Marriage or Divorce, Death of Loved One,

Change in Health, Downsizing, Moving,

Changes with Children (birth, new schools, attitude changes), Other!

Come Join Us as seminary student  and

business professional, Conda Lashley, leads us

through a practical process which will help us

navigate all of our future transitions.

Apr 14 - Matthew 7:13

Jesus said,

Why do you see the speck

that is in your brother's eye,

but do not notice the log

that is in your own eye?

Matthew 7:13

^ESV

 

For a short time in college, I had a girlfriend who was in a running feud with her roommate. 

 

The topic was silly. 

 

Except to them. 

 

“Which way,” they battled, “should the toilet paper roll face?”

 

Silly, right? Except to them. 

 

The gal I dated was practical. “When I’m putting on my make-up and I swipe at the toilet paper roll, I want to be able to quickly grab a few tissues. And if it’s on upside down, it’s not as easy.” Practical argument. 

 

Her roommate based her preference on custom and tradition. Having toilet paper come from under the roll was more elegant. It was “the right way to do it.” She was Canadian. She said it was the way they did it in Canada. I suspect it was mainly the way they did it in mom and dad’s house growing up. But this “right way” of doing things was very important to her. 

 

Do you see the battlefront?

 

One was arguing from the head. The other was arguing from the heart. And the argument got so heated that they almost “broke up” as roommates!

 

Finally they came to an uneasy truce. Compromise. “Whoever puts on the new roll,” they decided, “gets to decide which way it goes.” Sounds fair (… until they each started changing the roll a quarter of the way through). 

 

Battle lines. 

 

Sometimes it’s head vs. heart. 

 

Often it’s over silly matters. (Silly, of course, to everyone but you.) 

 

When the other person doesn’t agree with you, the discussion often accelerates past silly and insignificant and becomes pointed and personal. Our beloved seems to be attacking ... not just an idea ... but our identity itself.

 

In God’s plan, part of the first year of marriage is supposed to be learning to live with a new roommate. 

 

The first year together is supposed to be wonderfully exciting as you explore all kinds of “new” things! And at the very moment that you’re learning to combine two different styles, personalities, opinions, and ways of doing things, that newlywed passion is supposed to keep drawing you back together in this one flesh union.

 

Indeed, the point of the first year — the way it’s supposed to be — is to learn to live together. And to help the permanence of this new union, God added two blessings …

 

The first is the marriage covenant itself. It’s a promise before God. It’s a commitment that’s supposed to be “til death do us part.” It’s a holy pledge that insures that each of us is bound to keep working daily at this relationship. Shoving together two lives, two personalities, two family traditions, two ways of doing things brings inherent stress. But because of the marriage covenant, you have the responsibility — and the assurance — that you’ll both keep working at it. This promise before God and to each other is, indeed, solemn responsibility and blessed assurance. 

 

The second blessing designed to help us secure this union is … the sex! God designed sex to be a new, exciting, and added bonus within the married relationship that keeps knitting us together. Our sensuality should regularly reaffirm that the differences between us are not a reason to fight! Rather, the differences are one of the most delightful reasons that we are together! (Indeed, the make-up sex should keep us coming back to one another in incredible joy!)

 

Let me make a radical claim: The point of the first year of marriage, in learning to live together, is to learn to fight fair!

 

Over the next several days, I’ll make sense of this claim and teach you, I hope, to use conflict to grow your relationship.

 

Question: What keeps drawing you back to your beloved (and to your other most important relationships)?

 

In Christ’s Love,

a guy who puts

toilet paper on

right-side up

Apr 13 - 2 Timothy 2:14

charge them before God

not to quarrel about words,

which does no good,

but only ruins the hearers.

2 Timothy 2:14

 

I’m smart. I’m capable. And guess what ... I want to be right! (That’s one reason I argue.)

 

But even more so, I want to be understood.

 

How about you?

 

But what does this mean? For me it means that sometimes in my life I’ll “quarrel about words” and quibble about little things. Why? What am I trying to prove? That I have value? That my opinions matter? That I don’t make mistakes … or, at least, that I didn’t make a mistake this time?

 

Do you see what I’m doing? I’m trying to justify myself.

 

Why? Because deep down there’s an insecure spot in me. (We talked a little about this yesterday, but we need to talk more about it, because insecurity is the root of many of our quarrels in marriage.)

 

In most of us -- and not just me -- there’s a part of us that doesn’t trust (at least in practice) that God has truly justified us. Yes, we may boldly paraphrase Romans 8:31, “If God is for me, what does it matter who’s against me?” But that’s not really the way that most of us live, is it? We want to be right. So we keep justifying ourselves, and we keep trying to win every argument. 

 

And in so doing, we keep separating ourselves further from our beloved, who could show us – in an earthly way – that we are valued and that we are loved.

 

My weakness is that when I am misunderstood, I feel unloved and disrespected? And that’s when I snap, “If she really loved me, she’d listen better.”

 

Do you see the insecurity at the heart of all of these misunderstandings? In terms of self-analysis, that’s ultimately what’s at the root of so many of our communication difficulties. It’s insecurity … or sometimes, an irrational pride!

 

Yes, some folks are irrationally prideful. They are convinced that they are truly superior to others and any misunderstanding must be the fault of the other idiot. (Realizing this is a huge part of self-awareness too!)

 

Indeed, do you have a tendency to think that you’re better than the other person? Are you inclined to act like you’re better than your spouse? If so, it’s time to look again through God’s eyes.

 

As we said yesterday, he calls your beloved a “masterpiece” (Eph 2:10), but with your actions, you’re calling God a liar whenever you intentionally or unintentionally, vocally or subconsciously, view your partner as less than an equal, less than a “masterpiece.”

 

Which are you? More prideful and combative? Or more thin-skinned and insecure?

 

When I’m sparring with Mary Louise, it’s often because I feel misunderstood and, therefore, unloved and disrespected. (Insecure. That’s the direction I lean.)

 

But I need to be honest. I need to remember that I often and willfully ignore, misunderstand, and disrespect Mary Louise too. I’m often impatient and busy, rather than truly committed to conversation. I’m occasionally selfish and frequentlyiinattentive. I’ve been known to be reactive and self-justifying.

 

When we’re fussing and fuming, at least half of the reason why is my fault. I help create the context for misunderstanding, and whenever I feel disrespected, I need to remember that I haven’t always truly respected her.

 

If I want to her to listen better, I need to listen better myself.

 

If I want to be understood, I need to seek first to understand.

 

If I want to be loved, I have to first do better at showing love. 

 

QUESTION: Fill in the blanks based on your frustrations, quarrels, and insecurities: If want to be ___________, I must first do better at ______________.

 

In Christ’s Love,

a guy who, though,

occasionally thin-skinned,

is wonderfully thick

in other areas

(namely, between my ears)

Apr 11-12 - 2 Timothy 2:23-24a

Have nothing to do with

foolish, ignorant controversies;

you know that they breed quarrels.

And the Lord's servant must not be

quarrelsome but kind to everyone ...

2 Timothy 2:23-24a

ESV

 

Yesterday, I talked about what to do in the middle of a stressed conversation.

 

(Wait. Isn’t a “stressed conversation” a very politically-correct way to say a “fight,” a “quarrel,” a “snit,” or a “foolish, ignorant controversy,” as the Apostle Paul calls it?)

 

Anyway, I told you yesterday to pause long enough to breathe!  Indeed, while you’re intentionally not reacting, I suggested that you assume the best of your beloved, practice forgiveness, and look for humor.

 

But there’s one more step: Self-awareness.

 

Whenever we find ourselves tumbling into yet another “stressed conversation,” it’s wise to stop and reflect on our own emotions.

 

(Wait ... again. You’re a better person than I, if you can stop in the middle of a “snit.” It’s usually afterward, when I’m bloody, scarred, and humbled -- and even humiliated because of the way I reacted -- that I’m able to look back objectively. And then there’s another problem: Even when it’s clear that I wasn’t completely right, I’m often too stubborn to admit that I was wrong!)

 

Anyway, in the midst of our stressed conversations, it’s important to start asking .. Why does it seem so important to win this argument?

 

Why? Is it because I’m competitive?

 

To be honest, most of us like to win. It’s build into our psyche. But think about winning and losing and what that means to a relationship. Win-lose is an absolutely horrible model for a successful marriage.

 

Therefore, if you’re competitive, find some playful outlets for this part of your nature … and quit bringing it into your basic communication! It’ll ruin your marriage.

 

Winning an argument means someone wins and someone loses. Said another way, one person in the relationship desires to top the other. But partners are not designed to be better and worse than the other. Partners in marriage must be equal. Yes, of course, we have different gifts. Mary Louise is much better at some things than I, but I have gifts in areas she doesn’t. And, yes, we certainly have different roles. But if I’m trying to prove I’m better, I’m actually worse! I’m insecure. And I’m belittling my partner so that I can feel better about myself.

 

One last thought ... Let’s go back and ask that question again: Why does it seem so important to win this argument? Indeed, why does it seem like you “have to” prove that you’re right ... that you’re better? Do you see a different side to competition? Might this be insecurity?

 

Insecurity means you think less of yourself than God does. It’s time to see yourself the way God sees you. In Ephesians 1:3-14, he calls each of us, His “child” who is “loved,” “blessed,” “chose[n],” “forgiven,” and “redeemed.” Indeed, God loves you so much, that He has an “inheritance” waiting for you!

 

It’s also time to see my beloved the way God sees them! In Ephesians 2:10, God calls your beloved a “masterpiece”! And whenever we’re competitive, whenever we’re trying to prove that we’re better than our beloved, we’re not seeing either of us in God’s light. We are equal. We are partners. And we are loved … so that we can love others.

 

QUESTION: Why do you keep fighting so hard to win when teamwork is the goal in marriage? Is it competitiveness? (Competition will make your marriage lose?) Is it insecurity? (Trust God’s evaluation of both you and your beloved.)

 

In Christ’s Love,

a guy who wants real wins

(which requires teamwork)

 

Apr 10 - Proverbs 12:25

Anxiety in a man's heart

weighs him down, but

a good word makes him glad.

Proverbs 12:25

ESV

 

There are two types of conversation: normal communication … and communication under stress!

 

When we are stressed, we are less patient. We react, rather than decide. We often operate on fleeting feelings, rather than calm thoughtfulness. Frustration is nearer the surface. So is anger. Even tears.

 

When we are stressed, we see less humor. Like old dogs, sometimes our hackles are up, and we’re more ready to fight. We snip and snap. We defend our actions. We’re less able to see the other person’s point of view. 

 

Sound familiar?

 

And let me ask this: How common is stress in our modern world? It’s epidemic, isn’t it?

 

Therefore, what’s the quality of much of our daily communication? It’s constantly under constant stress! And as a result, much of our regular communication is impatient, reactive, thoughtless, and defensive.

 

Is that what you want from marriage?

 

Both of you deserve more.

 

Here are few tips to remove stress and improve both your communication and your relationship …

 

1.            Use Good (and Life-Giving) Words.

 

As Solomon says, “Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.”

 

2.            Don’t React.

 

We’re short and snippy when we’re stressed. And because of stress, our beloved may occasionally snip at us. Or … we may simply perceive that they do. Is it their stress that’s making their conversation snippy? Or … is it our stress that’s causing us to read the situation incorrectly? (That’s usually my case. I’m often way more reactive and defensive than is called for.) Furthermore, some bad communication habits have made us both a little more short and defensive than we should be. Don’t react, rather …

 

3.            Breathe Deeply.

 

Instead of reacting, remember to breathe! Calm yourself before your respond. “Count to ten” is the old but blessed advice. The reason is clear: By postponing a confrontation – by ten seconds, ten minutes, or ten hours – we can transform a heated confrontation into a productive conversation.

 

4.            Assume the Best.

 

While you’re breathing more deeply and collecting your wits, ask yourself, “What does my beloved want from life and marriage?” The answer’s easy: Love. Joy. Peace. Same as you! Therefore, while frustration may reign at any given moment, remember that your beloved would gladly trade quarreling for reconciliation … if one of you softened. When you remember to assume the best of your beloved, the one who softens can be you!

 

5.            Forgive.

 

If Jesus could forgive the people who literally nailed him to a cross, you can recall that this momentary frustration surely doesn’t rise to that level! We all wired to think that the other person started the fight with their shortness or tone of voice. The truth is, you almost certainly played a role in it too. Move on … by forgiving.

 

6.            Look for the Humor.

 

Mary Louise is much better at this than I. Sometimes she gently reminds me of the humor in the confrontations that we’re having. Obviously, we’re not to laugh at our beloved; nevertheless, when we’re arguing over something as inane as socks, she’ll sometimes remind us of how silly this is. In the heat of the moment, we treat things like they’re life and death. But when we step back a few inches, it’s often really is rather silly.

 

QUESTION: see below

 

In Christ’s Love,

a guy who wants to lose weight

(so please use “good words”

when I’m weighed down)

 

QUESTION: Rate yourself (on a scale of 1 to 10) in each of these areas:

 

            __ Use Good (and Life-Giving) Words.

            __ Don’t React.

            __ Breathe Deeply.

            __ Assume the Best.

            __ Forgive.

            __ Look for the Humor.

 

What do these insights tell you about your ability to minimize your partner’s stress through your own ability to listen?

 

Apr 8-9 - Song of Solomon 4:9

You have captured my heart,

my treasure, my bride.

You hold it hostage with

one glance of your eyes

Song of Solomon 4:9

NLT

 

“What?” my wife would snap.

 

“What?” I’d say defensively.

 

(One-word sentences — with snapping and defensiveness — is obviously not the best form of communication. But it was more than that ...)

 

“You were making a face,” she said.

 

“Oh, sorry.”

 

Let me make a confession: I’m a chronic multitasker. I’m bored if I’m only doing one thing at a time. And when we first got married, I spent a lot of time drawing. Mary Louise would be talking to me about her day, and I’d be trying to figure out how a cartoon character’s face would look when a bowling ball was dropped on his foot.

 

So what would I do? Well, the way I figure out how to draw that is to contort my own face to simulate what the cartoon character might be doing. But think of the results! As Mary Louise, a veterinarian, was describing to me something emotional like how she had to tell a client that their beloved pet had died, I’m sitting beside her contorting my face like a stupid cartoon character!

 

She’s on the verge of tears from the life and death reality of her job, and my face is alternately flashing howling pain and comic hysteria.

 

“What?” my wife would snap.

 

“What?” I’d say defensively.

 

Friends, don’t be like me. Look your beloved in the eye when you’re talking.

 

When we first started dating, we’d spend hours looking deep into each others eyes.

 

In fact, one of the hit songs of that summer had Whitney Houston singing, “If you say my eyes are beautiful, it’s because they’re looking at you.” Young and in love, those lyrics sounded profound (rather than hokey). But I suppose it was me and my multitasking and cartoon faces that began to rob us of some of that simple intimacy.

 

So ... don’t be like me. Be like Solomon: “You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride. You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes.”

 

Indeed, the courtesy of looking your partner in the eye is a simple way to restore and enrich your conversation.

 

QUESTION: How completely do you practice this simple art? Why not commit to trying it more fully?

 

In Christ’s Love,

a guy who is making

a strange face right now