Apr 15 - 2 Corinthians 4:8-9

We are pressed on

every side by troubles,

but we are not crushed.

We are perplexed,

but not driven to despair.

We are hunted down, but

never abandoned by God.

We get knocked down,

but we are not destroyed.

2 Corinthians 4:8-9

^NLT

 

What is the purpose of the first year of marriage?

 

Most of us would say things like happiness, companionship, and enjoyment.

 

Many of us might cite partnership, protection, or shared resources.

 

Many of us might answer more philosophically or theologically: “Marriage is completeness.” “Married is for fruitfulness.” “Marriage is a godly witness to a broken world.”

 

Those are all true. They are long-term goals, and I pray that all of them are fulfilled for you. But yesterday, I ended my devotion with a radical claim: The point of the first year of marriage, in learning to live together, is to learn to fight fair!

 

Fighting?! (Fair or otherwise?) Really?! That’s the point of the first year of marriage?!

 

As the years go on, I hope you arrive at all of the great marital blessings – companionship, completeness, fruitfulness, enjoyment, witness, and more. But … you won’t discover them fully until you learn to work past conflict.

 

Fighting fair is bridge to joy. Therefore, the first year of marriage is a vital training ground.  Husbands and wives must learning to push together past the challenges. (In fact, when you discover the blessing of fighting fair, then all of life’s other blessings begin to finally and fully unfold.)

 

Now, in future days, I’ll teach you how – how to fight fair (and how to fight less too). Today, however, we need to focus first on “why?” Why is learning conflict management a crucial technique? Because …

 

·         If we don’t learn how to decide fairly which direction the toilet paper goes on the roll, then how will we decide fairly which direction to choose when both of you have alternate opportunities (and alternate desires) in alternate directions?

 

·         If we can’t hash out fairly which of us is supposed to take out the trash, then how will we handle things wisely and fairly when one of us loses a job, our income is cut in half, and we have to decide what major things in our budget to cut?

 

·         If we’re not patient with each other through the regular ups and downs of life, how will we handle it when one of our parents dies and that one is slowed down for months because they’re grieving?

 

·         If we can’t forgive each other for cross words when we’re tired after a long day of work, how will we handle it lovingly when we’re emotionally and physically exhausted because our first child is born with a major birth defect?

 

·         If we can’t decide fairly how to share responsibilities when both of us are young and healthy and able and we have relatively few responsibilities yet, how will we handle it when one of us is in a car accident and is paralyzed from the waist down needs to depend on the other for constant support?

 

That’s life, people.

 

·         In our life together, we moved to Minnesota to chase Mary Louise’s career – an internship in veterinary medicine, and then we moved back to North Carolina (at an inconvenient time for me) when her mother got cancer. I was unemployed and underemployed for a while because of this move, and our income was almost non-existent. That’s life. And we had to learn to weather the stress fairly.

 

·         As a result of this move, I would up clinically depressed for a year. A few years later, and because of different circumstances, Mary Louise took a turn at being depressed. That’s life. And we had to learn to weather the stress fairly.

 

·         For me to chase my education and career, we moved several times, and often these moves (like to New Mexico) required moving farther and farther from our nuclear family. That’s life. And we had to learn to weather the stress fairly.

 

·         We had a son, then another son, and then another. Five of us lived in an old thousand-square foot duplex with two big dogs and a cat that chased the mice. We moved finally into a bigger home, but soon weathered a major forest fire that raged through our back yard and basically destroyed our town. We had moves that were good and moves that were disastrous. There were times when we were stuck in jobs and communities that we really didn’t like. That’s life. And we had to learn to weather the stress fairly.

 

·         Then Mary Louise was diagnosed with cancer. And then diagnosed again -- at least, pre-cancerous. That’s life.

 

But here’s the good news. I just highlighted the stresses. And they’ve been massive. That’s life. But because we learned to weather the stress fairly, I can honestly say I’m in the middle of a story-book life.

 

We’ve both been able to live our calling. We raised (and are very proud of) our three boys. We’ve gotten to travel – I we took our boys to 49 of the 50 states. God and faith and worship is the center of our lives. (That’s a gift to Mary Louise and I, but we’re even more joyful that it’s the center of our son’s lives). We’ve been married 28 years! And we’re very happy.

 

Why? Partly, it’s perspective. Partly it’s because we’ve learned to fight fair. We’ve learned to work through stress and keep moving forward joyfully.

 

Question: Don’t underestimate the importance of the first year of marriage. Every little fight and every little decision sets a pattern. Will all these little things be destructive or redemptive? What’s your choice? What’s your will? Indeed, will you commit to being honest, remaining patient, and working daily toward fairness and forgiveness?

 

In Christ’s Love,

a guy who must not

take too much credit

for this storybook life

(It’s really because of

God’s awesome help.

We borrow his strength

and discover daily his

love, joy, and peace.)

 

In Transition? Join us this Wednesday for Practical Solutions

Are you in Transition of any Kind?

Job Change (New Job, Job Losses, Retirement),

Financial Changes, Marriage or Divorce, Death of Loved One,

Change in Health, Downsizing, Moving,

Changes with Children (birth, new schools, attitude changes), Other!

Come Join Us as seminary student  and

business professional, Conda Lashley, leads us

through a practical process which will help us

navigate all of our future transitions.

Apr 14 - Matthew 7:13

Jesus said,

Why do you see the speck

that is in your brother's eye,

but do not notice the log

that is in your own eye?

Matthew 7:13

^ESV

 

For a short time in college, I had a girlfriend who was in a running feud with her roommate. 

 

The topic was silly. 

 

Except to them. 

 

“Which way,” they battled, “should the toilet paper roll face?”

 

Silly, right? Except to them. 

 

The gal I dated was practical. “When I’m putting on my make-up and I swipe at the toilet paper roll, I want to be able to quickly grab a few tissues. And if it’s on upside down, it’s not as easy.” Practical argument. 

 

Her roommate based her preference on custom and tradition. Having toilet paper come from under the roll was more elegant. It was “the right way to do it.” She was Canadian. She said it was the way they did it in Canada. I suspect it was mainly the way they did it in mom and dad’s house growing up. But this “right way” of doing things was very important to her. 

 

Do you see the battlefront?

 

One was arguing from the head. The other was arguing from the heart. And the argument got so heated that they almost “broke up” as roommates!

 

Finally they came to an uneasy truce. Compromise. “Whoever puts on the new roll,” they decided, “gets to decide which way it goes.” Sounds fair (… until they each started changing the roll a quarter of the way through). 

 

Battle lines. 

 

Sometimes it’s head vs. heart. 

 

Often it’s over silly matters. (Silly, of course, to everyone but you.) 

 

When the other person doesn’t agree with you, the discussion often accelerates past silly and insignificant and becomes pointed and personal. Our beloved seems to be attacking ... not just an idea ... but our identity itself.

 

In God’s plan, part of the first year of marriage is supposed to be learning to live with a new roommate. 

 

The first year together is supposed to be wonderfully exciting as you explore all kinds of “new” things! And at the very moment that you’re learning to combine two different styles, personalities, opinions, and ways of doing things, that newlywed passion is supposed to keep drawing you back together in this one flesh union.

 

Indeed, the point of the first year — the way it’s supposed to be — is to learn to live together. And to help the permanence of this new union, God added two blessings …

 

The first is the marriage covenant itself. It’s a promise before God. It’s a commitment that’s supposed to be “til death do us part.” It’s a holy pledge that insures that each of us is bound to keep working daily at this relationship. Shoving together two lives, two personalities, two family traditions, two ways of doing things brings inherent stress. But because of the marriage covenant, you have the responsibility — and the assurance — that you’ll both keep working at it. This promise before God and to each other is, indeed, solemn responsibility and blessed assurance. 

 

The second blessing designed to help us secure this union is … the sex! God designed sex to be a new, exciting, and added bonus within the married relationship that keeps knitting us together. Our sensuality should regularly reaffirm that the differences between us are not a reason to fight! Rather, the differences are one of the most delightful reasons that we are together! (Indeed, the make-up sex should keep us coming back to one another in incredible joy!)

 

Let me make a radical claim: The point of the first year of marriage, in learning to live together, is to learn to fight fair!

 

Over the next several days, I’ll make sense of this claim and teach you, I hope, to use conflict to grow your relationship.

 

Question: What keeps drawing you back to your beloved (and to your other most important relationships)?

 

In Christ’s Love,

a guy who puts

toilet paper on

right-side up

Apr 13 - 2 Timothy 2:14

charge them before God

not to quarrel about words,

which does no good,

but only ruins the hearers.

2 Timothy 2:14

 

I’m smart. I’m capable. And guess what ... I want to be right! (That’s one reason I argue.)

 

But even more so, I want to be understood.

 

How about you?

 

But what does this mean? For me it means that sometimes in my life I’ll “quarrel about words” and quibble about little things. Why? What am I trying to prove? That I have value? That my opinions matter? That I don’t make mistakes … or, at least, that I didn’t make a mistake this time?

 

Do you see what I’m doing? I’m trying to justify myself.

 

Why? Because deep down there’s an insecure spot in me. (We talked a little about this yesterday, but we need to talk more about it, because insecurity is the root of many of our quarrels in marriage.)

 

In most of us -- and not just me -- there’s a part of us that doesn’t trust (at least in practice) that God has truly justified us. Yes, we may boldly paraphrase Romans 8:31, “If God is for me, what does it matter who’s against me?” But that’s not really the way that most of us live, is it? We want to be right. So we keep justifying ourselves, and we keep trying to win every argument. 

 

And in so doing, we keep separating ourselves further from our beloved, who could show us – in an earthly way – that we are valued and that we are loved.

 

My weakness is that when I am misunderstood, I feel unloved and disrespected? And that’s when I snap, “If she really loved me, she’d listen better.”

 

Do you see the insecurity at the heart of all of these misunderstandings? In terms of self-analysis, that’s ultimately what’s at the root of so many of our communication difficulties. It’s insecurity … or sometimes, an irrational pride!

 

Yes, some folks are irrationally prideful. They are convinced that they are truly superior to others and any misunderstanding must be the fault of the other idiot. (Realizing this is a huge part of self-awareness too!)

 

Indeed, do you have a tendency to think that you’re better than the other person? Are you inclined to act like you’re better than your spouse? If so, it’s time to look again through God’s eyes.

 

As we said yesterday, he calls your beloved a “masterpiece” (Eph 2:10), but with your actions, you’re calling God a liar whenever you intentionally or unintentionally, vocally or subconsciously, view your partner as less than an equal, less than a “masterpiece.”

 

Which are you? More prideful and combative? Or more thin-skinned and insecure?

 

When I’m sparring with Mary Louise, it’s often because I feel misunderstood and, therefore, unloved and disrespected. (Insecure. That’s the direction I lean.)

 

But I need to be honest. I need to remember that I often and willfully ignore, misunderstand, and disrespect Mary Louise too. I’m often impatient and busy, rather than truly committed to conversation. I’m occasionally selfish and frequentlyiinattentive. I’ve been known to be reactive and self-justifying.

 

When we’re fussing and fuming, at least half of the reason why is my fault. I help create the context for misunderstanding, and whenever I feel disrespected, I need to remember that I haven’t always truly respected her.

 

If I want to her to listen better, I need to listen better myself.

 

If I want to be understood, I need to seek first to understand.

 

If I want to be loved, I have to first do better at showing love. 

 

QUESTION: Fill in the blanks based on your frustrations, quarrels, and insecurities: If want to be ___________, I must first do better at ______________.

 

In Christ’s Love,

a guy who, though,

occasionally thin-skinned,

is wonderfully thick

in other areas

(namely, between my ears)

Apr 11-12 - 2 Timothy 2:23-24a

Have nothing to do with

foolish, ignorant controversies;

you know that they breed quarrels.

And the Lord's servant must not be

quarrelsome but kind to everyone ...

2 Timothy 2:23-24a

ESV

 

Yesterday, I talked about what to do in the middle of a stressed conversation.

 

(Wait. Isn’t a “stressed conversation” a very politically-correct way to say a “fight,” a “quarrel,” a “snit,” or a “foolish, ignorant controversy,” as the Apostle Paul calls it?)

 

Anyway, I told you yesterday to pause long enough to breathe!  Indeed, while you’re intentionally not reacting, I suggested that you assume the best of your beloved, practice forgiveness, and look for humor.

 

But there’s one more step: Self-awareness.

 

Whenever we find ourselves tumbling into yet another “stressed conversation,” it’s wise to stop and reflect on our own emotions.

 

(Wait ... again. You’re a better person than I, if you can stop in the middle of a “snit.” It’s usually afterward, when I’m bloody, scarred, and humbled -- and even humiliated because of the way I reacted -- that I’m able to look back objectively. And then there’s another problem: Even when it’s clear that I wasn’t completely right, I’m often too stubborn to admit that I was wrong!)

 

Anyway, in the midst of our stressed conversations, it’s important to start asking .. Why does it seem so important to win this argument?

 

Why? Is it because I’m competitive?

 

To be honest, most of us like to win. It’s build into our psyche. But think about winning and losing and what that means to a relationship. Win-lose is an absolutely horrible model for a successful marriage.

 

Therefore, if you’re competitive, find some playful outlets for this part of your nature … and quit bringing it into your basic communication! It’ll ruin your marriage.

 

Winning an argument means someone wins and someone loses. Said another way, one person in the relationship desires to top the other. But partners are not designed to be better and worse than the other. Partners in marriage must be equal. Yes, of course, we have different gifts. Mary Louise is much better at some things than I, but I have gifts in areas she doesn’t. And, yes, we certainly have different roles. But if I’m trying to prove I’m better, I’m actually worse! I’m insecure. And I’m belittling my partner so that I can feel better about myself.

 

One last thought ... Let’s go back and ask that question again: Why does it seem so important to win this argument? Indeed, why does it seem like you “have to” prove that you’re right ... that you’re better? Do you see a different side to competition? Might this be insecurity?

 

Insecurity means you think less of yourself than God does. It’s time to see yourself the way God sees you. In Ephesians 1:3-14, he calls each of us, His “child” who is “loved,” “blessed,” “chose[n],” “forgiven,” and “redeemed.” Indeed, God loves you so much, that He has an “inheritance” waiting for you!

 

It’s also time to see my beloved the way God sees them! In Ephesians 2:10, God calls your beloved a “masterpiece”! And whenever we’re competitive, whenever we’re trying to prove that we’re better than our beloved, we’re not seeing either of us in God’s light. We are equal. We are partners. And we are loved … so that we can love others.

 

QUESTION: Why do you keep fighting so hard to win when teamwork is the goal in marriage? Is it competitiveness? (Competition will make your marriage lose?) Is it insecurity? (Trust God’s evaluation of both you and your beloved.)

 

In Christ’s Love,

a guy who wants real wins

(which requires teamwork)

 

Apr 10 - Proverbs 12:25

Anxiety in a man's heart

weighs him down, but

a good word makes him glad.

Proverbs 12:25

ESV

 

There are two types of conversation: normal communication … and communication under stress!

 

When we are stressed, we are less patient. We react, rather than decide. We often operate on fleeting feelings, rather than calm thoughtfulness. Frustration is nearer the surface. So is anger. Even tears.

 

When we are stressed, we see less humor. Like old dogs, sometimes our hackles are up, and we’re more ready to fight. We snip and snap. We defend our actions. We’re less able to see the other person’s point of view. 

 

Sound familiar?

 

And let me ask this: How common is stress in our modern world? It’s epidemic, isn’t it?

 

Therefore, what’s the quality of much of our daily communication? It’s constantly under constant stress! And as a result, much of our regular communication is impatient, reactive, thoughtless, and defensive.

 

Is that what you want from marriage?

 

Both of you deserve more.

 

Here are few tips to remove stress and improve both your communication and your relationship …

 

1.            Use Good (and Life-Giving) Words.

 

As Solomon says, “Anxiety in a man's heart weighs him down, but a good word makes him glad.”

 

2.            Don’t React.

 

We’re short and snippy when we’re stressed. And because of stress, our beloved may occasionally snip at us. Or … we may simply perceive that they do. Is it their stress that’s making their conversation snippy? Or … is it our stress that’s causing us to read the situation incorrectly? (That’s usually my case. I’m often way more reactive and defensive than is called for.) Furthermore, some bad communication habits have made us both a little more short and defensive than we should be. Don’t react, rather …

 

3.            Breathe Deeply.

 

Instead of reacting, remember to breathe! Calm yourself before your respond. “Count to ten” is the old but blessed advice. The reason is clear: By postponing a confrontation – by ten seconds, ten minutes, or ten hours – we can transform a heated confrontation into a productive conversation.

 

4.            Assume the Best.

 

While you’re breathing more deeply and collecting your wits, ask yourself, “What does my beloved want from life and marriage?” The answer’s easy: Love. Joy. Peace. Same as you! Therefore, while frustration may reign at any given moment, remember that your beloved would gladly trade quarreling for reconciliation … if one of you softened. When you remember to assume the best of your beloved, the one who softens can be you!

 

5.            Forgive.

 

If Jesus could forgive the people who literally nailed him to a cross, you can recall that this momentary frustration surely doesn’t rise to that level! We all wired to think that the other person started the fight with their shortness or tone of voice. The truth is, you almost certainly played a role in it too. Move on … by forgiving.

 

6.            Look for the Humor.

 

Mary Louise is much better at this than I. Sometimes she gently reminds me of the humor in the confrontations that we’re having. Obviously, we’re not to laugh at our beloved; nevertheless, when we’re arguing over something as inane as socks, she’ll sometimes remind us of how silly this is. In the heat of the moment, we treat things like they’re life and death. But when we step back a few inches, it’s often really is rather silly.

 

QUESTION: see below

 

In Christ’s Love,

a guy who wants to lose weight

(so please use “good words”

when I’m weighed down)

 

QUESTION: Rate yourself (on a scale of 1 to 10) in each of these areas:

 

            __ Use Good (and Life-Giving) Words.

            __ Don’t React.

            __ Breathe Deeply.

            __ Assume the Best.

            __ Forgive.

            __ Look for the Humor.

 

What do these insights tell you about your ability to minimize your partner’s stress through your own ability to listen?

 

Apr 8-9 - Song of Solomon 4:9

You have captured my heart,

my treasure, my bride.

You hold it hostage with

one glance of your eyes

Song of Solomon 4:9

NLT

 

“What?” my wife would snap.

 

“What?” I’d say defensively.

 

(One-word sentences — with snapping and defensiveness — is obviously not the best form of communication. But it was more than that ...)

 

“You were making a face,” she said.

 

“Oh, sorry.”

 

Let me make a confession: I’m a chronic multitasker. I’m bored if I’m only doing one thing at a time. And when we first got married, I spent a lot of time drawing. Mary Louise would be talking to me about her day, and I’d be trying to figure out how a cartoon character’s face would look when a bowling ball was dropped on his foot.

 

So what would I do? Well, the way I figure out how to draw that is to contort my own face to simulate what the cartoon character might be doing. But think of the results! As Mary Louise, a veterinarian, was describing to me something emotional like how she had to tell a client that their beloved pet had died, I’m sitting beside her contorting my face like a stupid cartoon character!

 

She’s on the verge of tears from the life and death reality of her job, and my face is alternately flashing howling pain and comic hysteria.

 

“What?” my wife would snap.

 

“What?” I’d say defensively.

 

Friends, don’t be like me. Look your beloved in the eye when you’re talking.

 

When we first started dating, we’d spend hours looking deep into each others eyes.

 

In fact, one of the hit songs of that summer had Whitney Houston singing, “If you say my eyes are beautiful, it’s because they’re looking at you.” Young and in love, those lyrics sounded profound (rather than hokey). But I suppose it was me and my multitasking and cartoon faces that began to rob us of some of that simple intimacy.

 

So ... don’t be like me. Be like Solomon: “You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride. You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes.”

 

Indeed, the courtesy of looking your partner in the eye is a simple way to restore and enrich your conversation.

 

QUESTION: How completely do you practice this simple art? Why not commit to trying it more fully?

 

In Christ’s Love,

a guy who is making

a strange face right now

 

 

Apr 7 - Matthew 5:37

Let your word be

‘Yes, Yes’ or ‘No, No’;

anything more than this

comes from the evil one.

Matthew 5:37

NRSV

 

Once upon a time, a young man visited the fair. Seeing a sign that said, “For $50, I’ll teach you to be a mind reader,” the young man went inside the tent upon which the sign was hanging. 

 

Sitting on a wobbly stool inside the tent was an old man. He looked up when the young man entered and said, “Ah, I can see that you are here for the mind reading lessons.”

 

The young man rolled his eyes, “Right. How’d you guess?”

 

The old man smiled and said, “Follow me, and I’ll teach you your first lesson.”

 

Walking outside the back of the tent, the old man led his pupil over to a hose. He picked it up, handed it to the young man, and said, “Here’s the first lesson: Look into the end of this hose and tell me what you see.”

 

Though the young man rolled his eyes again, he nevertheless looked obediently into the hose. The old codger, of course, turned on the water and blasted the young man in the face. 

 

“I knew you’d do that!” snapped the young man. 

 

“See, you’re a mind reader already!” said the old man. “That’ll be fifty dollars.”

 

For twenty-eight years of marriage I’ve tried to teach my wife to be a mind-reader. How? By assuming that she ought to just know what I’m thinking and feeling! (Indeed, Mary Louise would be a very rich woman if she received fifty dollars for every time I expected her to read my mind!)

 

Sounds silly, right? How ridiculous to expect someone to know exactly what we’re thinking. But we do that all the time!

 

Sometimes, we say what we think we “ought” to say (rather than what we really think). Sometimes we say what we think the other person wants to hear (rather than what we really believe). Sometimes we say things just to be polite (rather than being truly honest). But here’s the silly part ... we then expect the other person to see through our words and intuit what we really mean! And we hold a grudge when they don’t! “If you really loved me,” we cry, “you would have understood what I meant.”

 

Yes. 

 

I know. 

 

We all want to be understood.

 

Intuitively. 

 

But it’s your fault if your beloved isn’t reading your mind. 

 

One obvious (but often overlooked) basic of communication is: Say what you mean and mean what you say. 

 

Indeed, ‘let your word be ‘Yes, Yes’ or ‘No, No.’” And it’s not because -- in this case -- that “anything more than this comes from the evil one.” It’s because the evil one loves to use any lack of clarity to sow seeds of greater and greater division!

 

So remember ... Your beloved is not a mind reader. If you want something, tell them. If you’re feeling something, say it. If you expect something, express it. And whenever The-Amazing-Kreskin-in-your-House fails to intuit your unexpressed thought, forgive them ... then try saying it again more clearly. 

 

QUESTION: In what ways, if your honest, do you expect your beloved to read your mind and “just know” what you’re thinking?

 

In Christ’s Love,

a guy who still hasn’t turned

his bride into a mind-reader

(but I have succeeded

at much mind-numbing)

Apr 6 - James 1:19

You must understand this, my beloved:

let everyone be quick to listen,

slow to speak, slow to anger

James 1:19

^NRSV

 

Mary Louise and I had a silly miscommunication today.

 

“Why do I have a microphone in my car?” she said.

 

We both knew the answer, and she stated it somewhat factually, “Robbie was just home!” I knew what she meant: Since our technology-loving son had just been home for a few days from college, a few pieces of sound-room equipment must have migrated to his mother’s car. (Yes, she expected me to fill-in a few details — paying attention to context is part of communication — nevertheless, she answered her own question rather factually.)

 

I, on the other hand, answered with a joke. “No. I’m just bugging you!”

 

I meant, “That microphone is a listening device. It’s a ‘bug’ like spies use. And I’m ‘bugging’ you like a spy might ‘bug’ an enemy agent.”

 

She, however, looked at me quizzically. She heard the synonym. “Bugging you” can also mean “bothering you,” and she thought I meant, “I’m just bothering you -- bugging you -- by cluttering up your car with more junk.”

 

A simple misunderstanding. We’d used the same word to mean two different things.

 

But then I really confused her. I said, “If I bugged you (planted a listening voice in your car), I’d hear silence (because you ride in silence and are reflective). But if you bugged me, you’d hear the radio (which is what I listen to when I drive).”

 

That ‘s what I said.

 

And that’s what I meant.

 

But based on our alternative understanding of that word “bug,” what she thought I said was, “Whenever I bug you, Mary Louise, I hear silence. (Meaning: when I bother you, you give me the silent treatment.) And when you bug and bother me, I passive aggressively turn on the radio to tune you out!”

 

Ouch!

 

Fortunately, she knew I was trying to be funny (rather than start a fight). Therefore, my comments were perceived as nonsensical rather than offensive. But do you see the problem?

 

A large percentage of miscommunications stem from one person “saying” one thing and the other “hearing” something else.

 

We confuse terminology. We respond to different parts of the train of thought. We incorrectly interpret body language or tone of voice. We assume the other person knows more about the subject than they do.

 

Mary Louise could have reacted negatively. This misunderstanding could have been perceived as offensive. It could have escalated into a fight. Instead, she thankfully asked for clarification!

 

And that’s one wonderful key to revitalizing communication. We must assume the best of the other person ... and then, if you aren’t hearing what you think ought to be good, better, or best, then ask gently for clarification. (I know. That’s sometimes humbling to do, but it beats a lot of unnecessary fights!)

 

QUESTION: Do you tend to humble yourself and ask for clarification? Or do you tend to double down and dig in deeper and let miscommunication and conflicts escalate?

 

In Christ’s Love,

a guy who’s bugging you

(you can figure out in which way!)

Apr 4-5 - Luke 1:62-64

Then they began motioning

to his father to find out what name

he wanted to give [his newborn child].

[Zechariah, who have been made mute]

asked for a writing tablet and wrote,

“His name is John.” ...

Immediately his mouth was opened

and his tongue freed, and

he began to speak, praising God.

Luke 1:62-64

NRSV

 

Communication! What is it?

 

It’s simply the exchange of information.

 

It sounds simple, right? But it’s not. As we see in today’s verse, communication is written ... and verbal ... and hand motions ... and still it is more.

 

Communication! Marriage counselors will tell you that difficulties in this area are at the heart of most marital difficulties.

 

Therefore, to bless our marriage, we need to understand what communication really is … and why something that is apparently so simple causes so many monumental problems. (Better communication – and thus better marriages – will be the goal of these next several days. But first what is it?)

 

·                     First, communication is what is factually said (or written). We could say simply, “I am going to the store.” It’s clear and factual. (But as we’ll see in a minute, it’s not very clear.)

 

·                     Second is context. When I tell you that I am going to the store, I haven’t told you what store … or when. Sometimes, though, the context give us clues? For example, if I’m standing beside the refrigerator with an empty milk jug in my hand, you might guess when I say this that the store that I am going to is the grocery store. But did I tell you when? Will it be right now or tomorrow after work? Context is huge, but do you see how ambiguous that seemingly clear statement can be? How many assumptions does the listener have to make (especially if they’re expecting milk for their cereal in the morning, and they just thought you promised to get it)?

 

·                     Non-verbals often seem to say as much as the verbals. What if while holding an empty milk jug, I roll my eyes and say in an exasperated tone, “I’m going to the store.” You’d probably be right to hear condemnation. You might assume that I’m saying, “Since you didn’t do your job, now I have to go to the store to simply eat breakfast tomorrow.” Non-verbal communication is huge! Have you ever heard your beloved factually say, “Yes, I’ll do it,” but with their tone-of-voice they are clearly expressing anger, resentment, or even a passive aggressive refusal?

 

·                     Emotion is a powerful part of our communication. I can obvious say the same thing lovingly or with great anger. My emotion when I say, “I’m going to the store,” can convey either, “It’s my joy to help you out, my darling,” or “Why does it always have to be me who does all the work.” 

 

·                     And what about motives? Am I saying what I truly feel … or what I think you want to hear? Am I telling you the whole truth … or what I think you can handle? Am I straight-forward … or am I trying to subtly manufacture some alternative result?

 

·                     And what about assumptions? Do you ever assume that your beloved ought to just know something – like how you’re thinking or feeling? (And do you ever assume that you know what the other person is going to say (or want, or need) before they say it … and you interrupt them, only to find out that you’re wrong … again.)

 

·                     And what about the skill – or neglect – of our listening skills? Half of communication is what is said; the other half is actually listening to what is said. Do you listen well … or not?

 

Communication is crucial.

 

And complicated.

 

And generally, communication is an unopened gift. And the more we unwrap this puzzle, the more joy we discover in life. Therefore, better communication – and better marriages – are the goal of these next several days.

 

QUESTION: How would you rate your communication skills in your most important relationships? How good are each of you at understanding your own spoken and (especially) unspoken messages? How good are each of you at reading emotions, context, assumptions, and other non-verbals? How does this explain your combined strengths or weaknesses in communication?

 

In Christ’s Love,

a guy who’s

going to the store

(can you figure out

what I mean by that?)

Apr 3 - Ephesians 5:33

every husband must

love his wife … and

every wife must

respect her husband.

Ephesians 5:33

 

The Love Language of Respect comes from another wise author.

 

Several years back, Emerson Eggerich was both a pastor and a counselor. And his least favorite kind of therapy was marriage counseling. Why? Because most marriages were too far gone before a couple would ever come to therapy.

 

But one day in his pastoral work, he came across a verse from Ephesians. The Apostle Paul said, “Every husband must love his wife … and every wife must respect her husband.”

 

A light bulb went off! “Maybe this was the key,” reasoned Eggerich, “that will unlock relationships.”

 

Trying it in his counseling sessions, he discovered this verse’s amazing power.

 

Now, the principle and the book is primarily aimed at women and the way they treat their husbands. Why? Since women tend to spell “love” in the more “traditional” ways -- flowers and gifts, whispered "sweet nothings" and affirmations, and most of all, quality time and attention – it’s usually men who most need Respect. It’s our Love Language. We feed on it! And scripture says, “every wife must respect her husband.”

 

Eggerich tried this indeed in his practice. It worked. When women showed respect to their husbands – which is mainly an appreciation of their efforts – then men tend to respond by stepping up further. (It’s logical, isn’t it? I mean, the opposite sure doesn’t work! After all, when did harping and nagging and shaming ever produce a more wonderful marriage?)

 

Eggerich laughs. What do you do with husband who don’t do much? You look for tiny glimmers. “Thanks for carrying the trash to the back door. It honors me when you’re helping, and I respect you for it.” (Now, if you can manage to say that last sentence sincerely – and without sarcasm – watch his level of participation begin to grow!)

 

Really! My wife has read this book, just as I have. (We read Eggerich’s book Love and Respect out loud in the car!) I know when she’s playing the “respect game,” saying she respects me in order that tensions may decrease and order may be restored. But guess what: It works!

 

Two powerful things happen.

 

First, “the Crazy Cycle” stops. (That’s Eggerich’s phrase.) It doesn’t matter who starts it, but if I feel disrespected, I tend to treat her with less love. And when she feels unloved, I get treated with less respect. And it spirals. It escalates. But when she plays the “respect game,” my heart is softened, and it treat her with more love. And feeling more loved, she treats me with more respect. We’ve pulled out of the death spiral. We’ve stopped the Crazy Cycle.

 

But there’s a second powerful thing that happens: Respect becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more she respects me, the more respectable I become.

 

And likewise, the more I show love to her, the more loveable she becomes. (And by the way, guys, that’s a command to you: “every husband must love his wife.”)

 

Question: Men and women, are you constantly showing respect, saying “respect,” and celebrating every respectable behavior in your relationship? If not, you’re flushing your most important relationships! (After all, isn’t that what a flush is – a death spiral?) It’s time to discover how respect becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy in your marriage and relationships. Start looking for excuses to tell your beloved how much you appreciate, treasure, and respect them.

 

In Christ’s Love,

a guy who’s more

respectable since my wife

read Eggerich’s book

– she builds me up and

respond with more and more

respectable behavior

 

 

 

 

Apr 2 - 1 Peter 3:1,7

Be good wives to your husbands,

responsive to their needs. ...

The same goes for you husbands:

Be good husbands to your wives.

Honor them, delight in them. ...

Treat your wives, then, as equals

so your prayers don't run aground.

1 Peter 3:1,7

^MSG

Did you ever watch "Leave it to Beaver" or "Father Knows Best"?

They're television shows from another era. But for a moment, imagine those stereotypical patterns of family life.

Dad goes off to the office. He works hard all day. When he comes home, his wife meets him at the door. Wearing an elegant dress and pearls, she ushers him to the den. Hushing the children -- "Your father's tired" -- she encourages him to put his feet up and read the afternoon paper in quiet peacefulness.

Now, let me tell you a secret. Men still want that when they come home! We're tired. We've dealt all day with with unreasonable coworkers, impatient clients, and impossible dilemmas. We've poured ourselves out all day to win the bread for our little family, and we want nothing more than, "Thanks. You're our hero. Everybody be quiet and let daddy relax for awhile."

That's realistic. That's what men want and maybe even deserve.

What's not realistic is the similar exhaustion that mom feels. Mom's day is rarely an elegant dress and pearls. More often it's diapers and spaghetti on the carpet. It's seven hours of work for her too ... the three hours of carpool, grocery shopping, homework, and laundry. What's realistic is mom needing to put her feet up too.

(Can we spend just one evening with our feet up and let the kids serve us?!)

There's one more Love Language that Gary Chapman doesn't talk about in his seminal book -- Respect.

Men live on Respect. Men may appreciate other Love Languages (especially Physical Touch), but we live on Respect. We need to know that what we do is appreciated.

Women appreciate appreciation too!(And with as many balls as most women juggle, they often deserve it more than some of us men.) Nevertheless, women tend to spell “love” in more traditional ways -- flowers and gifts, whispered "sweet nothings" and affirmations, and most of all, quality time and attention.

But here's our focus in these days: Men and women, how can we all do better at showing respect? at showing appreciation? at noticing the effort ... and then saying something positive about it?

In Christ's Love,

a guy who doesn't sing

like Aretha Franklin

(I spell "respect"

T-H-A-N-K-Y-O-U)

Question: In your relationships, how can you do better at showing respect? at showing appreciation? at noticing the effort ... and then saying something positive about it?