And above all these
put on love, which
binds everything together
in perfect harmony.
Colossians 3:1
ESV
Do you remember kids picking flowers, pulling off petals, and playing the game, “He loves me … He loves me not”?
Do you remember the poem that’s been so overused that its almost a cliché: “How do I love thee / Let me count the ways”?
Let me ask … If your beloved said to you, “Why do you love me?” what would you say?
I just came across an article by Paul Hudson (I think originally from Dating, the website or magazine). He poses fifteen key questions that your beloved ought to be able to answer before heading down the aisle. I found these intriguing enough that I pass them along – my commentary mixed with his. (It won’t take fifteen days to cover this! But the first one alone with worth a book!)
1. Why do you love me?
He says, “People seem to feel this is a question that doesn’t especially need answering.” Indeed, how many of us have said, stumblingly, “Well, I just love you because I love you.” (As if that settles the matter.)
But it doesn’t. Why? Because love tends to be “a very selfish act, and [that’s] okay. You love the person … for what that person does for you and how he or she makes you feel.”
But that’s not a sufficient ground for marriage. In five or fifty years of marriage, your intended won’t always make you “feel good.” Sometimes they’ll be sick. Sometimes they’ll be depressed. Sometimes – and for different seasons — life will need to about them (and not about you … and if you love them for what they do for you and how they make you feel, you’re in for dissatisfaction).
Think about these scenarios: I’ve watched men become discouraged when a baby comes. Why? Because a baby needs 24/7 care and suddenly the bride’s attention does not revolve around her husband anymore (at least for this season).
Similarly, I’ve watched women become discouraged when the husband’s job demands more and more. Though he may be “working hard for the family,” suddenly there’s not as much time and attention for her.
Husbands and wives, if you love your beloved for what they do for you and how they make you feel, you’re in for inevitable dissatisfaction.
Is that why the divorce rate is so high? Because so much love is self-motivated?
You are responsible for the way you feel … not your beloved.
Read that again. You are responsible for your own happiness. And love is not about how the other person makes you feel!!!
Love is primarily an action … not a feeling. Think of Jesus’ example of love.
What if he based his love on a feeling? Betrayed. Mocked. Whipped. Beaten. Spat upon. Crucified. Love wasn’t about him and how he felt. It was about us and what he could do for us.
What if we defined our love and marriage that way?
(Note: We must first be clear that love-being-willing-to-put-up-with-mess is not permission for your bad behavior! “Well, you’re supposed to love me, no matter what … so … ” No, if you’re doing “no matter what,” then you are the problem because you’re selfish – not the person who is who is being asked to selflessly put up with you!)
But … what if we defined our love and shaped our marriage based on the model of Jesus? You would forgive (rather than hold grudges). You would be patient in times of depression and transition. You would serve when your beloved was sick. You would rejoice in a mother’s love, rather than be jealous over the attention given a newborn. You would shower your beloved with respect for the long hours that poured into their job. It’s not about you.
Therefore, you better find out – ideally before you’re married – why you love this person … because that is what will sustain you through the inevitable challenges.
· Is it their faith that you love?
· Is it their character?
· Is it their generosity or compassion?
· Is it their laughter? (Remember, there’ll be seasons in a long life when they might not laugh much. But if you’re patient, I promise you, the laugh will eventually return. Whereas, if you’re not patient, you’ll prolong the drought.)
What do you love about your beloved?
· Is it their courage?
· Is it their humble spirit and servant’s heart?
· Is it their faith?! (Why do you think I’m asking this one again?!)
· Is it their beauty? (Ahh! Remember: The outer package will change. But if you find their beauty within, they become more and more beautiful as the years progress.)
Remember, you’re in this for the long-haul. The journey of life will bring plenty of joys and challenges.
· If you’re in this for selfish reasons (for what you do for me), then you’ll spend your life disappointed. That attitude creates a selfish atmosphere that permeates and poisons life and marriage.
· But if you focus on “what I love about you … plus what I can do for you,” then you are likely to create an atmosphere of generosity and giving, of forgiveness and peace, of cooperation and compassion. (And you’re likely to get back more than you put in!)
Question: Why do you love him/her? … and are you in it for you or for them?
In Christ’s Love,
a guy who is thankful
for his parents …
They modeled
“do it for others”
and I’m the recipient
of that model with
joy in my own family!
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