Mar 3 - Galatians 6:9

And let us not grow weary 

of doing good, for 

in due season we will reap, 

if we do not give up.

Galatians 6:9

 

Yesterday I outlined the under-publicized secret to greater joy: The more you give (give thanks), the more you get back (joy).

 

But here’s the problem: What if the person you are married to is underachieving? What if they are doing too little that seems worthy of thanks and praise?

 

There are three potential reasons for this. 

 

1.    The first is that they are legitimately not fulfilling their responsibilities. 

2.    The second is that you might have unrealistic standards.

3.    The third is that maybe the two of you have not adequately discussed roles and expectations.

 

All three of these have the potential to sidetrack (young) marriages. One seems selfish. The second appears nagging and demanding. But let’s focus on the third. Let’s realize that in most conflicts we both have contributed to the problem. 

 

When I got married, my wife could not give thanks for a lot of things! I was falling far short. I appeared lazy. Unmotivated. Why? Because I wasn’t doing all the things her dad did in the home. 

 

Wait! Do you see the problem? Her reference point for what husbands do is what her dad did. And I wasn’t her dad. Likewise, she wasn’t my mom. And we both blamed each other for not being more like mommy or daddy. (Though we both would’ve been appalled at any suggestion that we were looking for a replacement for mom or dad!)

 

Here’s an example ... In her house, it was her dad’s job to take out the trash. Her father did it faithfully. It was almost chivalrous. 

 

In my house growing up we had a rule: if you fill up the trash can, you take it out. Therefore, three boys learned to stuff as much as possible into a bag so the chore wouldn’t fall to us! 

 

In her eyes, I wasn’t chivalrous because I wasn’t taking out the trash. In my eyes, I was being prudent. Why waste a trash bag when you could still stuff three more banana peals into the current one? (And besides, if Mary Louise was my “equal,” then what was the problem with her doing her share of carrying out the trash?)

 

Silly, huh? But do you see the problem? It’s not one of us being lazy nor the other of us being demanding. It’s miscommunication. It’s unspoken assumptions. It’s a lack of clarity in roles. 

 

Mary Louise and I both came from families with both a mother and a father. We naturally – though unspokenly – based our original expectations on what mommy and daddy did. The result? To avoid continually disappointing the other, we had to spend several years defining our own roles in our own marriage. 

 

Today, one-parent households are increasingly the norm. This provides a totally different set of assumptions. In a one-parent household, the one-parent must do it all. As kids we watch this model of independence and self-sufficiency. Sometimes, single-parent kids aren’t good at sharing responsibilities. (And then they blame their spouse for being lazy, when they’ve accidentally asked their spouse to butt out.) 

 

Yet what happens when we continually do things on our own? What happens when we continually cut out our spouse from responsibilities and decisions? What happens when two grow increasingly independent? Ultimately they grow apart. Oops. 

 

The secret is communication. It is clarifying roles — the husband does this, the wife does that, and we share responsibility for a host of other things. 

 

Now when we talk about roles, please understand that the pattern for your marriage doesn’t have to be the stereotypical roles from the 1950s. The rules have changed. Nowadays, most wives wind up working; it often seems like a necessity in today’s economy. Therefore, mom is not home all day to take care of all the household chores. Thus, more and more duties must be shared. 

 

Furthermore, the pattern for your marriage also doesn’t have to be what your mommy and daddy did. You probably weren’t aware of all the negotiations – sometimes heated – that allowed them to come up with a pattern that worked for them! Their way is not the standard for right or wrong. It’s simply what worked for them! And to find out what works for you and your beloved, you’d better talk about those ingrained assumptions and define new roles together. 

 

Wait, read that last line again: “you’d better talk about [it].” 

 

There are no set rules for who does this or that in marriage. The only “rule” is that if you don’t talk and clarify and find a way to share equitably, one of you will seem lazy (for not doing what you didn’t know to do) and one of you will seem demanding (expecting what you never said was to be expected). 

 

Question of the Day: see below

 

In Christ’s Love,

a semi-chivalrous guy who

occasionally takes out the trash

before its completely full

 

Question of the Day

·         Getting Married or Newlyweds: Go through the list of necessary chores – cooking, cleaning, fixing, finances, etc. – and start discussing who should do what and how you’ll share equally the responsibilities of home and family.

·         Married: In what home and family responsibilities are you and your spouse still disagreeing about? Are you the one who is seen as lazy or demanding … and how might this really be a lack of communication regarding roles? How can you open a productive dialogue about shared responsibilities in your marriage without provoking a disagreement?  

·         Not Married: In the single estate, you are tasked with doing all the jobs. That can be a lot of work. And it is often thankless. Indeed, there is no one to help or thank you for your daily efforts. Celebrate that God sees your effort, and ask him for help in fulfilling your responsibilities.