Mar 16 - 1 Peter 3:10

Whoever desires to love life

and see good days, let him keep ...

his lips from speaking deceit

1 Peter 3:10

 

So ... after four days, what are you thinking about now when I say “naked and not ashamed”? I know! I still do too. It’s reflex. Nevertheless, are you beginning to see the need for other kinds of vulnerability in your closest relationship? 

 

Today, let us talk again about honesty.

 

There are several types of honesty needed in relationship. The first is learning to find loving and upbuilding ways to speak the truth (see Ephesians 4:15 and 4:29). The second is how do we confess sin to our spouse.

 

This one is tricky. Very tricky.

 

Many people keep secrets to “protect” the other person. “It would hurt them too much,” we say. Sometimes that’s true. But let me tell you what else is true: It’s generally not the content of a secret that destroys a relationship ... as much as the fact that there is a secret.

 

We want our partner to be “real.” Secrets utterly destroy this gift.

 

And yet we must ask why we keep secrets. Why? Because, one, we’re ashamed. And because, two, we don’t want to hurt the other person. 

 

Most of these shameful, hurtful secrets that are harbored in today’s marriages involve sexuality: We’ve been unfaithful. We’re addicted to pornography. We’re attracted to someone else.

 

A second set of secrets involve a different kind of addiction. With a high level of stress in today’s world, too many people are anxious and depressed. That’s not shameful; that’s increasingly “normal.” But too many people self-medicate their pain with marijuana, alcohol, and prescription pain-killers. 

 

So what do we do? We have a secret. If we tell our beloved, we destroy our beloved (or at least threaten to). If we don’t tell our beloved, we destroy ourselves. There is a destructive psychological dissonance within us. We’re destroying our integrity. (And besides this, our secrets are creating a subtle but growing division — because at the heart of our relationship is something that is neither honest nor real).

 

So what’s the answer? We must confess. But sometimes it’s better to confess someone like a pastor. 

 

Secrets are like a vampire. They live in the dark. When we bring them into the light, however, they die. Confessing them to a pastor or therapist allows the person with the secret to get help and heal. The pastor can also help this person figure out if and how to confess the truth to their beloved. They can be part of an ongoing, healing conversation between husband and wife. And suddenly there’s accountability, conversation, and light. 

 

In Christ’s Love,

a guy who wants

to be called “Buffy”

(I want to be the real

kind of vampire slayer)