Wives, be subject
to your husbands
as you are to the Lord.
Ephesians 5:22
NRSV
Yesterday I hopefully made the case that these words – “wives, be subject” – were God’s Wisdom … not God’s Command.
Today I ask: In a world that is increasingly egalitarian (increasingly equal between genders, increasingly blending the stereotypical gender roles), why is this still God’s Wisdom?
First a story: When I grew up – in fact, throughout my training as a psychology major and in all of my child development classes – I was taught that men and women were the same … and the only perceived differences were really the stereotypes foisted on them family and culture. (Yes, we did make allowance for the addition or subtraction of a few body parts, of course! But …) In terms of intellect and talent, men and women were “the same.” In fact, in terms of roles in the home and careers beyond the home, men and women should be “the same.”
Generally speaking, much of that is true!!!
Men and women are equally capable. And I’m all for the freedom – for both men and women – to pursue whatever roles and careers that God calls each person to uniquely pursue.
Absolutely!
But something strange happened when my wife and I started having kids. Contrary to what I was taught (and contrary to the way I started out raising my children), it soon became clear that boy children were different than girl children!
It was funny, the generation of parents that I parented with tended to expose our kids to a more gender-neutral set of toys. Nevertheless, the boys consistently gravitated to trucks (… and they turned every stick into a gun)!
But the girls – instead of focusing on things (like vehicles and weapons) – were focusing on people and relationships. They talked more! They played relationally.
Watch this next time … Little boys play side-by-side – happy to be with each other, but doing their own thing. Girls talk. They play relationally. They talk about what they’re doing. (In fact, the only time little boys talk is to say, “Watch this!” Then they crash two trains into each other!)
Though equally smart, equally capable, it’s obvious watching children that boy brains and girl brains are wired differently.
Now transfer that to marriage. Women, your husbands are wired differently than you.
· You tend to be relational. He’s a doer.
· You spell “love” relationally. He spells it in terms of respect. He wants you to notice the things he’s accomplished. After all, he’s working for you. (And guess what … The more you notice, the harder he’ll work.)
The wisdom of this passage – “wives, be subject to your husbands” – is that men have two speeds: “On” or “Off.”
· If you show respect to your husband, you turn him on. (And I don’t just mean sexually!).
· If you disrespect your husband, you turn him off. (Though, have you notice that little turns him off sexually?)
Read the meat of that again, women: If you want the most out of your man, encourage and empower him.
That’s God’s logic. (Not mine.) Indeed, that’s the way he made us. He made us to have complimentary ways of relating to the world. (And women, if you expect him to be a woman, you’ll turn his productivity off.) But if you empower him to be a man, your family will be blessed.
Now … this is not politically correct!!! But it is Biblical. And after counseling scores and scores of families … it’s true. It works!
Women …
· Ask for his help – not like a faux damsel in distress, but whenever there’s the option, encourage and empower him to use his gifts!
· Allow him to make decisions. He’s built to be a leader, and if you take his leadership away, you won’t get much out of him at all.
· And let’s talk about faith … Women, because you’re relational, the relational part of faith probably comes more natural to you. And that’s a big part of what faith is. But not the only part. Celebrate his research and his wisdom – that’s one place where his faith is likely to begin. Encourage, secondly, his service – that’s an excellent access point for guys. We’re doers! And again, encourage him to lead – his way.
God made men for a purpose.
· They’re strong, and when we encourage them, they’ll work hard and stand up for our family.
· They’re bold, and when we encourage them, they’ll help us undertake greater adventures.
· They’re wise, and when you encourage the ways that men think (and add that to the ways a bride thinks!!), you’ve got an incredible team.
Sadly, however, our culture has torn men down. They’re the butt of jokes. (Watch any sit-com. The role of the man in the family has been utterly belittled.)
So … women … here’s what you need to know: If you treat your husband that way, he won’t be much more than a bad joke, indeed!
But if you esteem him for his gifts, he’ll esteem you for your gifts. Indeed, he’ll “love [his]wi[fe], just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
Question: In what ways are both of you getting what you deserve based on the way you’re treating your spouse?
In Christ’s Love,
a guy,
a leader,
and an esteemed partner,
encouraged by his bride
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